714 007 Jokes for Spying Some Serious Humor

If you’re here, it means you’re ready to delve into the thrilling world of 007 jokes.

Not just any jokes, but the top secret ones, shaken and stirred to perfection.

That’s why we’ve assembled a list of the most hilarious James Bond jokes.

From explosive puns to covert one-liners, our compilation has a quip for every secret mission.

So, let’s dive into the clandestine realm of 007 humor, one joke at a time.

Contents show

007 Jokes

007 Jokes have an irresistible allure that can spark laughter in any situation.

These jokes aren’t just about the renowned character James Bond, but the entire world of international espionage he represents.

From his suave charisma to his high-tech gadgets, 007 presents a wealth of comedic material to play with.

Creating the ultimate 007 joke requires a clever blend of suspense, wit, and a dash of the unexpected – much like a cocktail prepared by Bond himself.

And let’s not forget the iconic catchphrases and intricate plot twists that have become fodder for humor.

Ready for an explosion of laughter?

Dive into the world of espionage and humor with these 007 jokes:

What do you call a spy that works at a bakery? Agent Doughnut Seven.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? In case he needed to take down his enemies with some ink-filtration!
Why did 007 take up painting? Because he wanted a license to brush!
Why did James Bond always bring a pencil to the casino? Because he liked to draw out the suspense!
How does James Bond order his fries? “Bond… James Bond. And make it shaken, not fried!”
What do you call James Bond when he’s drinking whiskey? Bond on the rocks.
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He wanted to dig up some classified plants.
Why did James Bond become a stand-up comedian? Because he always knew how to “deliver” punchlines.
What do you call James Bond when he’s playing poker? The spy who bluffed me.
Why did James Bond start a rock band? He wanted to be a secret agent-rockstar!
Why did James Bond take a parachute to the party? Because he wanted to make a great entrance – with a Bond-a-thon!
Why did James Bond always bring a box of tissues to the movies? In case he got emotional during a secret agent flick!
What did 007 say to his therapist? I have a license to chill.
What does James Bond do before bed? He slips into something a little more comfortable.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of clothing? Secret Service suits!
Why did James Bond visit the bank? He wanted to take out a secret loan!
What do you call 007’s laundry? Spy-cycles.
Why did James Bond go to the therapist? He had commitment issues, always running away from relationships.
What do you call James Bond at the checkout counter? Bond, James Bond, Credit Card!
Why did 007 take a ladder to work? He wanted to climb the corporate spy ladder.
What did James Bond say to the bartender who gave him a Martini that was too strong? “I think you’ve shaken it, not stirred it!”
What did James Bond say when he entered a sushi restaurant? I’ll have a License to Krill.
What do you call James Bond when he takes a break? Bond, James Bonding time!
Why did James Bond switch to a smartwatch? Because he wanted to keep up with the times, 007 seconds at a time!
Why did James Bond refuse to eat at a seafood restaurant? He didn’t want to get caught in a fishnet.
Why did James Bond join the circus? Because he wanted to be an undercover clown.
What do you call a fish that works for MI6? James Pond, 007!
What did James Bond say to the bartender after ordering a martini? “I think you shook it, not stirred it.” .
Why did 007 refuse to play cards with the jungle animals? He heard the cheetah was a cheater.
What do you call a spy who wears earmuffs? Agent 006 and 7/8!
Why did James Bond start a skincare routine? Because he wanted to maintain his “double O-glow.”
Why did James Bond go to the furniture store? Because he wanted a license to chair!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder with him? Because he wanted to take his spy game to a whole new level.
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of sandwich? A double agent sandwich!
Why did James Bond refuse to go to a bakery? Because he kneads his bread shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond refuse to play hide and seek? Because he always found the golden gun too quickly!
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he asked for a martini? “Shaken, not stirred, and make it snappy! I’m on a secret mission.”
What do you call James Bond when he’s had too much to drink? Shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond get banned from the library? Because he was always checking out spy novels.
What does James Bond do before bed? He goes under cover.
What do you call a spy who skips the gym? Flabbond.
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He heard they had the best secret rolls!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper in his car? In case he needed to write down his license to thrill.
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he ordered a martini? “Shaken, not stirred… just like my love life.”
Why did James Bond never go to therapy? Because his only enemy was himself, and he liked to keep it that way.
What does James Bond say when he enters a party? “Bond, James Bond, I presume?”
Why did James Bond get a job as a gardener? Because he wanted to plant secret agents in the field!
Why did 007 go to the bakery? Because he kneaded some dough for his secret mission.
Why did 007 become a musician? Because he wanted to play the Goldfinger on guitar!
What did James Bond say when he entered a bakery? “I’m on a mission to get some sweet intel.”
Why was James Bond always seen with a pen and paper? Because he liked to keep his “notes” secret.
Why did James Bond become a banker? Because he knew how to bond with interest.
What did James Bond say when he found out he won the lottery? “I have a license to thrill!”
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the jungle animals? He didn’t want to be dealt with a cheetah or lion.
Why did 007 join a gym? He needed to work on his undercover operations.
Why did James Bond take a cooking class? Because he wanted to become a secret saucier.
Why did James Bond always bring his ladder to the casino? Because he liked to be on a higher playing field.
What do you get when you mix James Bond and a cow? 00777 – a double-oh-moo!
What did James Bond say when he accidentally bumped into someone? My apologies, I’m just undercover.
Why did 007 get a job as a chef? Because he wanted to make a Bond omelette!
Why did 007 never get a credit card? Because he always wanted to pay cash, Bond cash!
Why did 007 go to the bakery? He was on a mission to uncover the secrets of the secret ingredient in pastries.
Why did James Bond go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to draw a bead on his enemies!
What do you call a spy who steals cheese? Double 0 Cheddar!
Why did James Bond become a math teacher? Because he loved working with “Q”bertic equations.
Why did 007 become a banker? He wanted to live and let diode.
What did 007 say when he heard a knock on the door? The name’s Bond, Joke Bond.
Why did James Bond refuse to use the internet? Because he didn’t want to deal with spyware.
What did James Bond say when he dropped his martini? “I guess I’ll have to shake things up.”
What did 007 say when he saw a spider? The name’s Bond, James Bond, but you can call me Arachno-Bond.
Why did James Bond switch to a vegan diet? He couldn’t bear the thought of shaken, not stirred eggs!
What do you call a secret agent who works in a library? Book, James Book.
Why did James Bond become a baker? Because he kneaded the dough!
What do you call a spy who can’t sing? Bond, James Bond Karaoke Machine.
Why was James Bond never seen at the gym? Because he always worked out undercover.
What did James Bond say to the waitress when she asked how he wanted his eggs? “I’ll take mine… scrambled, not shaken.”
What did James Bond say when he found a penny on the ground? “Penny for your spy thoughts?”
What does James Bond do at the grocery store? He always checks out with a license to kilt.
Why did James Bond take his cat to the casino? Because he wanted to play Blackjack-purr!
What do you call a secret agent who loves to dance? James Pond.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because it’s too full of sharks.
Why did 007 go to the bakery? He wanted to put the bread in Bondage.
What do you call a secret agent who works in a bakery? Bond, Bread Bond!
Why does James Bond always order eggs Benedict? Because he likes his breakfast to be Bond-appetit.
Why did James Bond join the circus? He heard they needed a good spy trapeze artist.
What’s James Bond’s favorite mode of transportation? A spy-cycle.
Why did James Bond visit the bank? He wanted to check his balance.
What do you call a spy who skips leg day? Weak Bond.
Why did James Bond become a baseball coach? Because he knows how to catch a spyder.
What do you call a spy who loves math? Agent Double-O-Seven-Eleven.
Why did James Bond become an accountant? Because he’s always good with figures… especially the ones on his paycheck!
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the library? Because he wanted to read up on the spy novels on the top shelf!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? In case he needed to write a secret formula… or sign an autograph!
What did 007 say when he finished a book? “I’m shaken, but not stirred!”
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? Because he never knew when he might have to sign on the dotted spy.
What do you call James Bond when he’s making bread? A spy with white flour!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of clothing? Spy jeans.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a nap? A secret slumber mission.
Why did James Bond fail as a stand-up comedian? Because he always killed with his one-liners!
Why did James Bond go to the eye doctor? Because he couldn’t see himself as anyone else!
Why did James Bond take up gardening? Because he wanted to plant some spies!
What did James Bond say to the bartender at the casino? I’ll take my martini shaken, not stirred, and with a side of poker chips.
Why did 007 become a gardener? Because he loves planting undercover agents!
Why don’t spies ever eat cereal? They prefer undercover agents.
What do you call James Bond when he’s sunbathing? Bond, James Bond-tan.
Why did James Bond go to therapy? Because he had too many Bonds to deal with.
Why did 007 start a band? He wanted to be a secret agent, but he couldn’t keep it undercover.
What do you call James Bond when he’s having a bad day? The Spy Who Couldn’t Even!
Why was James Bond always successful with the ladies? Because he had a license to thrill.
What did James Bond say to his car when it broke down? “I guess we’ll have to call AAA-7.”
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? He wanted to make sure his missions were emission-free.
Why was 007 always a fan of baseball? Because he loved to catch the spy-der.
Why did James Bond get a job as a baker? He kneaded the dough to fund his spy gadgets.
What do you call a spy who loves pasta? Mac-and-007-roni!
What does James Bond say when he orders a martini at a restaurant? License to chill.
Why did James Bond join a gym? He heard they had a great license to kill session!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of dance? The spy-rit Waltz.
Why did James Bond never go camping? Because he didn’t want to be caught in a spy-der’s web!
Why did 007 bring a pen to the casino? In case he needed to draw his weapon.
Why did James Bond join the gym? He wanted to be shaken, not stirred!
What did James Bond say when he won big at the casino? “I guess you could say I’m a “baccarat” of success!”
Why did 007 become a teacher? Because he wanted to spy on chemistry.
What does 007 say to his barber? Just give me a Bond cut!
Why did James Bond go to therapy? He needed to work on his attachment issues.
Why did James Bond cross the road? To get to the secret agent on the other side!
Why did James Bond get kicked out of the garden? Because he couldn’t stop poking her peas.
Why did James Bond go to the casino? He wanted to play poker face-007.
What do you call James Bond when he forgets to wear deodorant? Stink 007.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of chocolate? Secret agent chocolate.
Why was 007 bad at poker? He always gave away his poker face with a smirk.
Why did 007 become a painter? He wanted to draw a bond between his enemies.
What do you call James Bond’s favorite drink? A Martini McBondy!
Why did James Bond always have a pen in his pocket? In case he needed to take down a number… 007.
What do you call James Bond when he’s working at a bakery? Bun, James Bun.
What does James Bond do when he can’t find his shoes? He checks for his soles!
What did 007 say when he saw a ghost? “Bond… James Bond… oh, wait, wrong movie.”

Short 007 Jokes

Short 007 jokes are the shaken, not stirred, martini of humor – sleek, classy, and with an unexpected twist.

These jokes are perfect for text messages, social media statuses, or for injecting a bit of British charm into any conversation.

The genius of short 007 jokes lies in their wit and brevity, delivering a chuckle in a manner as suave as Bond himself.

So, ready your silencers for laughter, here are short 007 jokes that are sure to hit their mark in just a few words.

What do you call a spy who likes to play football? Goal-denEye!
What’s James Bond’s favorite dessert? Moneypenny pudding!
What’s James Bond’s favorite exercise? Secret service curls!
What do you call James Bond’s dog? Bond’s Best Friend!
Why did 007 become a teacher? He wanted to teach “double-0 seven-ometry”!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of shoe? Sneakers, of course!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of bread? Double-O Seven Grain!
Why did 007 go to the bakery? He needed his daily bread!
What do you call a spy who eats too much? James Pond!
What do you call James Bond at the beach? Sandy Cheeks!
What do you call James Bond on a trampoline? A double-oh-seven-up!
What do you call a 007-themed workout routine? License to Kettlebell!
What is James Bond’s favorite kind of bird? A spy-robin!
Why did James Bond always carry an umbrella? For undercover operations!
What do you call James Bond in the bathroom? Poo-spyder.
What’s James Bond’s favorite animal? The spy-der!
Why did 007 refuse to go skydiving? He preferred his missions undercover!
What do you call James Bond’s pet cat? A meow-nager!
Why don’t sharks attack spies? Professional courtesy, 007!
What do you call a spy who loves desserts? James Bond-dessert!
What’s James Bond’s favorite fruit? A license to kiwi!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of cake? Double-o-seven layer cake.
What do you call James Bond at the dentist? A flossy agent!
What’s James Bond’s favorite card game? License to Spill!
What’s James Bond’s favorite beverage? Spy-der.
What does James Bond do when he’s stressed? He shakes, not stirs!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of furniture? Bond-ed leather!
What do you call James Bond at a bakery? Double 0 doughnut!
Why did 007 become a chef? He wanted to shake and stir-fry!
What’s James Bond’s favorite pizza? License to grill!
What does James Bond call his auto mechanic? Q-lutch!
What do you call James Bond’s favorite type of pasta? Secret Agent-tellini!
Why did 007 become a baker? He wanted to make secret agents!
What’s James Bond’s favorite drink? A Martini, shaken, not stirred!
Why does James Bond always win at poker? He’s got a Goldeneye!
What’s James Bond’s favorite dance move? The undercover shuffle!
What’s James Bond’s favorite part of a computer? The spy-ware!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble-0-7!
What do you call James Bond after he’s been swimming? 00-Wrinkle.
Why did James Bond cross the road? To catch the chicken spy!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of flower? Spy-dragons!
What do you call James Bond’s favorite pet? Bond-snake!
What’s James Bond’s favorite fruit? Espionage-apple.

007 Jokes One-Liners

One-liner 007 jokes are a cocktail of humor shaken and stirred into a single line.

They’re the comedy equivalent of James Bond’s suave sophistication – sharp, witty, and effortlessly charming.

Crafting a perfect 007 one-liner demands a mix of wit, timing, and a deep admiration for the iconic British spy.

The mission here is to condense the setup and punchline into a compact form, delivering maximum laughs with minimal words.

So, get ready for a license to laugh, these 007 one-liners are sure to leave you shaken with laughter:

What does James Bond say when he enters a bakery? “I’m here to loaf and give you a license to grill.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of nut? A spy-cadamia.
Why did James Bond go to the bank? He wanted to spy on interest rates.
What do you call James Bond when he’s having trouble sleeping? Insomnia Secret Agent.
What did James Bond say when he found out he had a twin? Double 07.
Why did James Bond always win at poker? He had a license to kill all the bad hands.
James Bond’s favorite yoga pose is the “Golden Triangle” – it’s a secret position.
How did James Bond know there was a spy in his bakery? He found a secret agent rising!
Why did James Bond become a locksmith? He wanted a license to pick locks and hearts.
Why did 007 become a barber? He wanted to make sure everyone got a “license to thrill” haircut.
Why did James Bond get a dog? He wanted a secret agent with a license to bark.
What did James Bond say when he saw a UFO? “The name’s Bond, Alien Bond.”
Why did James Bond go to the bank? He needed to make a bond deposit.
Why did James Bond open a bakery? He wanted to make license to grill cheese sandwiches!
What does James Bond do when he accidentally breaks a bone? He calls it a shaken, not stirred, fracture.
Why did James Bond never become a lawyer? He preferred his cases shaken, not tried!
What does James Bond call his pet dog? Agent Bark.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because he thought it was too shifty.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? Because sometimes words are mightier than the sword… or a gun.
Why did James Bond love math? Because he always found the number 007 to be quite a Bond-ing experience.
I saw James Bond at the casino, he was in double 0 heaven.
What did James Bond say when he found out his favorite seafood restaurant closed down? “Looks like it’s time to find a new plaice.”
Why did James Bond become a real estate agent? Because he’s always looking for a new bond.
Why did James Bond never play hide-and-seek? Because nobody can hide from 007.
I wanted to tell a 007 joke, but I think I’ll just spy on it instead.
Why did James Bond start using Apple products? Because he wanted a license to iCloud.
What did James Bond say when he saw a pirate? “Ahoy, mateys! I’m licensed to thrill.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of tea? Spy-der!
What did James Bond say when he couldn’t find his car keys? “I guess it’s a case of espionage.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of transportation? Spy-cles.
Why did James Bond become a musician? He was tired of all the undercover work and wanted to be a spy-tarist.
What did James Bond say when he accidentally bumped into his neighbor’s car? “Sorry, I didn’t mean to Q-lide.”
Why did James Bond become a teacher? He heard they had a lot of students to bond with.
What did James Bond say when he arrived at the casino? The name is Bond, James Bond. And I’m here to lose some money.
I met James Bond’s tailor and asked him how he makes such great suits. He said, “It’s all about the Bond-age.”
I asked James Bond if he ever had trouble with his computer. He said, “No, but I once had to kill a PC for double-clicking.”
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he wanted to work undercover as a secret agent for Her Majesty’s Secret Garden.
Why did James Bond get kicked out of the movie theater? He kept telling the villains, “This is a Bond movie, not a Bond-voyage!”
What does James Bond say when he gets a bad haircut? “I’ll never dye another day!”
What do you call a secret agent who cooks the best scrambled eggs? Eggs Benedict!
Why did James Bond join the circus? He wanted to master the art of tightrope spying.
Why did James Bond refuse to play hide and seek? Because he didn’t want to be shaken, not stirred!
I asked James Bond if he could lend me some money. He replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any bonds to spare.”
I saw James Bond at the gym the other day. He was doing spy-weights and secret stretches.
What does 007 say when he enters a hotel? “I have a reservation. James Reservation.”
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to make sure his secret agent code name was “Pie Another Day.”
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the casino? He liked to take his chances with high stakes poker.
What is James Bond’s favorite type of underwear? Thunderballs.
Why did James Bond go to the butcher? He wanted to get his license to grill.
Why did James Bond refuse to eat dessert? He said, “I don’t want to risk any collateral damage.” .
What’s James Bond’s favorite way to eat eggs? Scrambled, not stirred.
Why did James Bond become a beekeeper? He thought it was a great way to keep a “hive” profile.
What does James Bond use to write secret messages? A secret inkognito pen.
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He wanted to have a license to prune!
I asked James Bond if he wanted a drink, and he replied, “No thanks, I’ll just take the martini… shaken, not stirred.”
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the casino? He wanted to reach new heights at the blackjack table!
What did James Bond say when he got stuck in traffic? This mission is going slower than a snail on tranquilizers!
Why did James Bond start a gardening club? He wanted to learn the “spyder” way of planting bugs.
I asked James Bond if he knew any good jokes. He replied, “I’ve heard a few, but I couldn’t bond with them.”
Why did James Bond become a doctor? Because he wanted to be a secret agent and a physician, a double-0-doctor.
Why don’t James Bond movies ever get sick? Because they have a license to thrill!
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the bar? He wanted to reach the top-secret Martini menu.
What do you call it when James Bond skips church? Mission impossible.
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed? He counts his enemies, not sheep.
What does James Bond do before bed? He has a “night mission”
Why was James Bond terrible at cooking? Because he always preferred to leave things shaken, not stirred.
What did James Bond say to the tailor? Give me a suit that’s bulletproof but still fashionable!
What did James Bond say to the computer hacker? “You’re no match for my 00-fense system.”
Why did James Bond join a dance troupe? He wanted to tango with danger!
Why did 007 become a locksmith? He wanted to break into the industry.
What does James Bond say before he goes to bed? “Bond. James Bondtime!”
What does James Bond say when he enters a bakery? “I knead your bread.” .
Why did James Bond never get a pet? He thought it would be too Ruff!
What did James Bond say when he couldn’t find his car keys? “I must’ve misplaced my secret agent-tivator.”
What does 007 do when his computer crashes? He shakes it, not stirred.
What do you call a secret agent who loves gardening? Bond, Plant Bond.
Why did James Bond join a choir? He wanted to perfect his “undercover” singing skills.
I asked James Bond if he knew any good jokes. He said, “Sure, I can tell you the punchline, but then I’d have to kill you.”
Why did James Bond become a detective? He wanted to solve double agent mysteries!
Why did James Bond become a chef? He wanted to shake and fry, not just shake and stir.
What does James Bond wear when it’s raining? A “tux-e-dough”!
Why don’t we ever see James Bond playing cricket? Because he prefers his own “bats” of choice.
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the bar? He wanted to order his martini shaken, not stirred up trouble trying to reach the counter.
Why did James Bond become a barista? He wanted a license to espresso himself.
I asked James Bond if he had any brothers. He said, “No, but I have a few secret agents.” .
Why does James Bond hate online shopping? Because he prefers his gadgets shaken, not clicked.
What does 007 use to style his hair? Double-O gel.
What did James Bond say when his watch stopped working? Time to retire.
Why did James Bond always carry a box of tissues with him? Because he had a license to sneeze.
I asked James Bond if he could do me a favor. He replied, “Sorry, I’m licensed to kill, not to help.”
Why did James Bond bring a pillow to the casino? He wanted to play a high-stakes snooze!
I saw James Bond at the gym today. He was on a secret mission to get fit: Operation Double-O Six-Pack.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? “I’ll have a martini, shaken, not stirred. And make sure it’s double-0-seven percent alcohol.”
What does James Bond do when he’s not on a mission? He goes undercover… covers his bed with a blanket.
I asked James Bond if he had any change for the parking meter. He said, “Sorry, but all I have is Bond money.”
Why did James Bond fail as a stand-up comedian? Because his jokes were always under-cover and nobody could spy the punchline.
What does James Bond call his laundry detergent? Double-O Soap.
Why did James Bond never get a credit card? He preferred to live and let buy.
Why did James Bond switch to electric cars? He wanted to live and let drive.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of candy? Licorice to Kill.
Why did James Bond become an architect? Because he wanted to design his own secret lair.
What kind of tea does 007 drink? Spy-der tea.
I saw James Bond at the casino last night. He was playing poker with Tarzan and Sherlock Holmes. Talk about a winning hand!
Why did James Bond become a comedian? He had a license to kill… with laughter!
Why did James Bond never become a professional soccer player? Because he always preferred covert operations over goal-scoring.
Why did James Bond get a job as a carpenter? He wanted to nail the bad guys!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he wanted to make sure he had a license to print money.
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He wanted to get a license to kill time with doughnuts.
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? Because he’s always ready to “dye” another day!
What did James Bond say when he won a marathon? “I guess I’m licensed to run.”
What did James Bond say when he finished a puzzle? Mission accomplished, the pieces have bonded!
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? Because he wanted to give his clients a license to frill.
Why was 007 always the best at poker? He always had a license to deal.
Why did James Bond take a computer to the casino? He wanted to play blackjack!
Why did James Bond become an artist? He wanted to draw secret agents in their true colors.
Why did James Bond go to therapy? Because he had attachment issues with his gadgets.
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of underwear? Thunderballs!
How does James Bond like his eggs? Over easy, like his missions.
What does 007 use to do his laundry? A license to dry clean.
Why did James Bond join a gym? He needed to be in top-secret shape.
What’s 007’s favorite type of music? Bond-age.
Why did 007 become a chef? He wanted to specialize in undercover sous-vide operations.
What did James Bond say when he walked into a bakery? “I’m here for the floury, not the money.”
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder on his missions? To reach new heights of espionage.
James Bond’s favorite type of art is “spy-ritual” paintings – they really capture his inner secret agent.
Why did James Bond order a pizza with anchovies? He wanted to experience a License to Dill.
What’s James Bond’s favorite dessert? Secret Agent Orange!
Why did James Bond take a nap on the clock tower? He wanted to watch his alarm clock!
Why did James Bond wear a tuxedo to the zoo? Because he wanted to blend in with the penguins and be a spy-der.
Why did James Bond get a job at the zoo? Because he wanted to be an undercover agent.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because it kept saying, “Sea, Monnypenny, Sea!”
Why did James Bond become a chef? He wanted to specialize in “license to grill” recipes!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? Because he couldn’t use his license to kill without a license to write!
I told James Bond I wanted to be a spy just like him. He said, “Sorry, but you’ll never make the cut. It’s a Bonding experience.”
Why did James Bond go to the zoo? He heard there was a double agent penguin on the loose!
What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep? He counts agents instead of sheep.
Why did James Bond become a chef? He wanted to make secret agents fried eggs for breakfast!
Why did James Bond switch to a high-protein diet? Because he wanted to be shaken, not stirred.
What kind of car does 007’s wife drive? A Mini Cooper.
Why did James Bond switch to a gluten-free diet? He wanted to avoid being a secret agent of bloating.
Why did James Bond get a job as a chef? Because he likes his missions well done!
Why did James Bond become a meteorologist? Because he loves forecasting spy-rings and thunder-spies.
What did James Bond say when he broke his pencil? “I guess it’s time to go undercover.”
What do you call James Bond when he goes to a barbecue? Grill 007.
Why did James Bond always win at poker? Because he had the license to “deal” with any situation!
What’s James Bond’s favorite social media platform? Insta-spy-gram.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the jungle animals? He didn’t want to get caught in a game of cheetahs!
What did James Bond say to his barista? “I like my coffee shaken, not stirred.”

007 Dad Jokes

007 Dad Jokes are the ideal concoction of humor, puns, and a touch of espionage that can cause simultaneous groans and chuckles.

They’re the type of jokes that are so corny, they’re brilliant.

Perfect for family gatherings, parties with friends, or simply to bring a smirk to a fellow Bond fan’s face.

Prepare for the groans and giggles.

Here are some 007 Dad Jokes guaranteed to shake, not stir, your funny bone:

Why did James Bond join the gardening club? Because he wanted a license to till!
What did James Bond say when he finished his puzzle? “I’ve got all the pieces, 007!” .
Why did James Bond get into the catering business? He wanted to be a licensed to grill.
What did James Bond say to the tailor? I need a suit that’s both “licensed” to kill and “fashionable” to wear.
What do you call James Bond at the beach? The spy who loved sand.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? “I’ll take my martini shaken, not stirred. And don’t forget the secret agent herbs.”
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he kneaded dough, not danger!
Why did James Bond join the circus? Because he had a license to juggle secrets.
Why did James Bond always carry a camera? Because he wanted to capture all his undercover operations, in spy-derman quality!
Why did James Bond never leave his house? He was always on Her Majesty’s secret service.
What did James Bond say when he finished a crossword puzzle? The name’s Bond, James Bond… clue master extraordinaire.
Why did the secret agent go to the casino? To find a golden eye-dea.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? Because it’s mightier than the sword.
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the casino? Because he liked to have a license to “climb.”
What do you call James Bond’s favorite board game? Spy-der Solitaire!
Why did James Bond get a job at the bakery? He wanted to make a lot of dough.
Why did James Bond always carry a hairbrush? Because he liked to brush up on his looks.
Why did James Bond become a farmer? Because he wanted to be an expert at “under-cover” operations!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he knew the best way to infiltrate an enemy’s lair was through their stomachs!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he always loved his secret sauces!
What did James Bond say to the tailor? I need a suit that’s bulletproof, stylish, and has pockets for all my gadgets… and a built-in cup holder for my Martini.
What do you call a spy who drinks too much coffee? A latte of the night.
What do you call James Bond’s favorite baseball team? The Double-O’s.
Why did James Bond visit the bakery? Because he wanted to get a license to dough.
What do you call James Bond when he’s playing golf? Tee 007!
Why did James Bond never get a job in construction? Because he had a license to drill!
Why did the spy take a ladder to the library? Because he wanted to be a secret double-book agent.
What do you call a James Bond movie about a haunted house? 00-scare-7!
What does James Bond do at the grocery store? He goes straight to the 00-aisle.
Why did James Bond use a typewriter instead of a computer? Because he preferred his intelligence to be “double-oh-typed”!
Why did James Bond stop playing soccer? He kept shooting everyone in the penalty box!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder in his car? In case he needed to make a quick escape through the fire escape.
What did James Bond say when he got a promotion at work? “I guess you could say I’m on a secret service.” .
Why did James Bond never use a napkin? Because he always liked to leave a license to spill.
What did James Bond say when he dropped his ice cream? “I’ve lost my license to chill.”
Why did James Bond go to the optician? Because he wanted a new ‘GoldenEye’ prescription.
Why did James Bond go to the dentist? He had a “license to drill”, 007!
Why did James Bond prefer using a pencil instead of a pen? Because pencils have a “lead” advantage.
What do you call a secret agent who smells really bad? James Bond-y armpit!
Why did James Bond always carry a phone? Because he didn’t want to Q up!
Why did James Bond take up gardening? He wanted to live life with a golden thumb.
Why did James Bond prefer a manual transmission car? Because he liked to shift gears and keep his enemies guessing!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he wanted to take notes in case he needed to “007” someone!
What do you call James Bond when he’s tired? Bond, James Bonded Out!
Why did James Bond never visit Egypt? Because he heard the Pharaohs had their own secret agent, Mummy 001!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to his missions? Because he wanted to climb to new heights as a secret agent!
What do you call James Bond when he’s doing laundry? Agent Wash!
Why did James Bond become an accountant? Because he wanted to live a life of thrilling spreadsheets!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with his friends? Because he didn’t want to deal with any double agents!
What do you call a spy that gets cold easily? Bond… James Bond.
Why did James Bond become a florist? Because he always had a “license to orchid”!
What do you call it when James Bond takes a day off? A Bonding experience!
Why did James Bond start a bakery? Because he wanted to make the best secret agents – doughnuts!
What did James Bond say to the chef? Can you make me a special 007-course meal?
Why did James Bond become a teacher? He loved marking spies in the exam papers!
What do you call it when James Bond accidentally spills his coffee? A double-0 oopsie!
What do you call James Bond when he loses his car keys? A secret agent without a clue.
Why did James Bond become a painter? Because he wanted to brush up on his skills!
Why did James Bond buy a new car? Because his old one had too many Q’s.
Why did James Bond bring his parrot to work? It was a spy parrot that knew all the secrets!
Why did James Bond join the gym? Because he wanted to work on his ‘Thunderthighs.’.
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the casino? Because he wanted to reach new heights in his gambling career.
Why did James Bond always order his coffee with cream and sugar? Because he liked his drinks shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond go to art school? Because he wanted to be a “master” of disguises!
What do you call James Bond when he is vacuuming? 007-Dust.
Why did James Bond start a bakery? Because he wanted to make covert operations with dough!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? Because he liked to be on the write side of the law.
Why did James Bond switch to digital watches? Because time is spy.
Why was James Bond never scared of the dark? Because he always had his “Q” flashlight!
What do you call it when James Bond skips his morning coffee? A brewing disaster!
What do you call a secret agent’s favorite game? Hide-and-007!
Why did James Bond go to the garden? To catch a spy-dar!
What do you call it when James Bond takes a vacation? 00-heaven!
Why did James Bond always bring a camera on his missions? He wanted to capture the spy-tacular moments… and selfies with the villains.
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to fry another day, 007!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He heard the plants needed some spy-chological warfare.
Why is James Bond so good at poker? Because he always has a ‘License to Fold.’.
What do you call James Bond when he has a cold? Nashty.
Why did James Bond become a dog trainer? He wanted a license to bark orders.
What do you call James Bond when he’s working as a waiter? Server 007!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the library? Because he wanted to spy on the upper level, 007!
Why did James Bond go to therapy? He had a license to chill, but not to feel.
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to make a living with his secret dough-nations!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with a dog? Because he didn’t want to risk losing to a shih tzu.
What did James Bond say when he walked into a bar? I’m on a mission to find the perfect drink… and my lost car keys.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? I’ll take my martini shaken, not stirred, and with a twist of lemon. Oh, and make it a double-0, 7-Up.
Why did James Bond never trust the bank? Because he preferred to have his money in “bond”s.
Why did the spy become a doctor? Because he wanted to perform undercover operations.
Why did James Bond refuse to eat eggs? Because he didn’t like his breakfast to be shaken, nor stirred.
What do you call James Bond in a winter wonderland? Snow-Bond!
Why did James Bond go to therapy? Because he had a double-O personality.
Why did James Bond never need to go to the gym? Because he always kept his body bond-ed.
What’s James Bond’s favorite country? Denmark. Because it has a “license to krill.”
Why did James Bond become a farmer? He wanted to live a life of undercover-crop agent.
Why did James Bond refuse to use a computer? Because he didn’t want to risk getting a “spy”-ware!
What did M say when James Bond couldn’t find his passport? “Nevermind, you can always travel on my M-blem.”
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he wanted to plant some “secret agents”, 007!
Why did James Bond always win at poker? Because he always had a royal flush in his pocket!
Why did James Bond become a sailor? Because he wanted to be a double-0 seven-sea agent!
Why does James Bond always win at poker? Because he’s got the best spy-ches!
How does James Bond like his eggs? Spy-der style, 007!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to make double-0 seven-layer dip.
What do you call James Bond in a library? Book… Spy Book.
Why did James Bond start a delivery service? He wanted to be known as 00-7-UPS!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the jungle animals? Because he heard they were all cheetahs.
What do you call a group of James Bonds? A Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Why does James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he likes to sketch-y situations.
Why did James Bond always use a specific brand of laundry detergent? Because it left his clothes shaken, not stirred!
Why does James Bond love algebra? Because he likes to solve problems with a lot of X’s.
Why did James Bond always carry a map? Because he liked to navigate, 007-iously.
What do you call James Bond when he’s on a diet? Bond Lite!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he had a license to teach chemistry, and a knack for explosive experiments!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of insurance? Espionage.
Why did James Bond take up gardening? He wanted a license to grow his own spy-nachos.
Why did James Bond become a magician? Because he could always make evidence disappear, Presto!
Why was James Bond always cool and collected? Because he always had a license to chill.
Why did James Bond go to the dry cleaner? Because he had a license to press!
What did James Bond say when he finished his meal at a fancy restaurant? “That was a license to grill!”
Why did James Bond go to the restaurant alone? Because he didn’t need a reservation, he had a license to grill!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of car? An Aston Martini.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and a watch? Because he wanted to make sure his assignments were both written and timely!
Why did James Bond take up knitting? He needed a hobby to unwind after all the explosive adventures.
Why did James Bond never become a gardener? Because he didn’t want to blow his own cover in the “secret agent” garden!
Why did James Bond become an astronaut? Because he wanted to visit Moonraker.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? Spy-fi! (or Spy-phi, for double agents!).
What does James Bond use to comb his hair? A secret agent.
How did James Bond break into the bank? He used his secret agent-t.
Why did James Bond never need to do laundry? Because he always had a license to dry.
What did James Bond say when he found a spider in his bathroom? “Time to call the deadly exterminator, 007.” .
Why did James Bond never use a smartphone? Because he believed in staying off the grid, even in the digital age!
What did M say when James Bond couldn’t find his pen? “Nevermind, I’ll just use my Q.” .
Why did James Bond become a car salesman? Because he knew all about the “spy”der engine.
Why did James Bond never go to art school? Because he’s already a master of ‘The Spy-rograph.’.
Why did James Bond always carry a toothbrush? Because he always wanted to have a license to grill.
Why does James Bond always carry a pen? Because it’s mightier than the sword… and it’s also a handy gadget.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? Give me a martini, but don’t shake it, stir-fry it!
Why did James Bond wear a tuxedo on his mission to the grocery store? Because he believed in always looking suave, even while shopping for groceries!

007 Jokes for Kids

007 jokes for kids are like the secret missions of the humor world—exciting, adventurous, and always a hit with the little agents.

These jokes inspire kids to explore their imaginative side and understand the joy of witty humor, instilling a love for laughter that’s as thrilling as a James Bond mission itself.

Plus, 007 jokes for kids have the added benefit of making pretend play more fun, turning their role-playing games into a source of laughter and suspense.

Ready for some covert amusement?

Here are the jokes that’ll have them chuckling over their secret codes:

What did James Bond say when he won a game of poker? “I guess you could say I have a license to thrill!”
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil to the casino? Because he loved drawing a good hand.
Why did James Bond join the circus? He wanted to be a secret “ring” agent!
What is James Bond’s favorite school subject? Espionage!
Why did James Bond go to the amusement park? He wanted to go on the rollercoaster and get a license to thrill!
What did the spy say to the villain who stole his lunch? “You’ve got a lot of nerve!”
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to show his students how to spy-derstand complex equations!
Why did James Bond break up with his girlfriend? Because she was a double agent!
What did the spy do when he lost his right shoe? He became a left foot agent, 00Sock!
What did James Bond say to his barber? Make it a close shave, but not too close, Goldfinger is watching!
Why did James Bond start a gardening business? Because he wanted to become a secret agent with a license to till!
What do you call a spy who is always cold? A chilly 007!
What do you call a spy who loves ice cream? Double-O Sundae!
What do you call a spy who can’t keep a secret? An open-book agent!
What did the spy say to the villain when he got caught? “I’ve been undercover for years, it’s your turn to be under cover now!”
Why did James Bond always bring a pencil to his missions? Because it was the ultimate secret weapon – it had a license to erase!
What did James Bond say when he saw a ghost? Double O Heaven!
Why did James Bond take a ladder to a concert? He wanted to be in the upper level.
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to school the bad guys!
Why did James Bond bring a gun to the bakery? Because he heard they had a lot of dough!
What did the spy say to the computer? I’m your biggest fan!
Why was the secret agent sneezing during his mission? Because he was undercover in a field of pepper!
Why did 007 go to the grocery store? For some secret ingredients!
Why did James Bond take a bath? Because he wanted to feel like a spy diver!
What do you call a spy who is good at math? James Bond!
What do you call a secret agent who can’t sing? Bond… James Bond-OFF!
Why did the spy bring a rope to the party? Because he wanted to bond with everyone!
What is James Bond’s favorite type of car? A suave-edan!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he never wanted to miss his “Q” and “M”
Why did James Bond take his phone to the bank? Because he wanted to open a secret account!
How does James Bond like his eggs? Secretly, of course!
What do you call a spy who can’t go swimming? James Pond!
Why did James Bond take a ladder to the bar? He wanted to reach new heights and get a “double-O seven and seven”!
How does James Bond like his eggs in the morning? Scrambled, not stirred!
Why did James Bond go to the bank? To check his savings Bond!
What do you call a spy that never takes a bath? Bond, James Bond!
What do you get when you cross a spy with a vampire? A secret agent that bites!
Why did James Bond visit the bakery? He needed to find a spy-der roll!
What do you call a spy who likes to do laundry? James Bondage.
What did James Bond say when he spilled his drink? I guess I should have shaken, not stirred!
What do you call it when James Bond’s car breaks down? A spy-car malfunction!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he always wanted to give his students a lesson they wouldn’t forget!
Why did the spy always bring a pencil and paper to the casino? In case he had to draw his weapon!
What’s James Bond’s favorite subject in school? Spy-ence!
What do you call James Bond when he’s cleaning his house? Bond, James Bond!
Why did the spy go to the pet store? He wanted a secret agent cat to help him with his missions!
Why did the secret agent wear a life jacket to the office? Because he was working under cover!
How does James Bond like his eggs cooked? Secret Service!
What do you call a spy who skips breakfast? A cereal killer!
What do you call a spy that is half man and half rabbit? 007 “Bunny” Bond!
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? Because he needed to buy spy-cereal!
Why did James Bond bring a car to the party? Because he wanted to make a grand entrance, 00-7 style!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? To get his daily loaf of “spy” bread!
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? To get a license to chill!
What’s a spy’s favorite type of dessert? Undercover cake!
Why did the spy go to the grocery store? To find his secret agent-oes!
What’s James Bond’s favorite flower? A spy-daisy!
Why did James Bond always use a pen? Because it’s mightier than the sword, but not as noisy as a gun!
What do you call a spy that can’t stop sneezing? Agent Ah-choo!
What kind of cheese does James Bond like? Double-O Cheddar!
What did the spy say when he found a secret message in a bottle? I spy with my little eye!
What do you call a spy who is bad at hiding? James Blurnd!
What did James Bond say when he finished his puzzle? I spy with my little eye… the end!
What do you call James Bond when he sleeps? Undercover!
Why did James Bond become a musician? Because he wanted to play secret chords on his spy-ano!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many 007s!
Why do spies make good basketball players? They always know how to spy on the other team’s plays!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? Because he wanted to catch the spy-derman!
What do you call a spy with a broken leg? A limping agent.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and paper? Because he wanted to write down his secret 007 recipes!
What do you call a spy who tells jokes? A funny agent, 007.
What is James Bond’s favorite dessert? Secret Agent Jelly!
What kind of car does James Bond’s baby drive? A toy-ota!
What’s a spy’s favorite type of music? Spy-cho!
Why did 007 bring a car to the movie theater? Because he wanted a license to chill!
What kind of car does James Bond drive in the snow? An “Aston Slushy”!
How did James Bond like his eggs? Secretly scrambled.
What did James Bond say when he couldn’t find his favorite tie? “I guess I’ll have to tie another day!”
What do you call a spy who loves fruits and vegetables? James Bondanana!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil sharpener? Because he wanted to be “on point” for every mission!
Why did James Bond go to the bank? To get his secret agent ID!
Why did James Bond take his car to the mechanic? Because it had a license to drill!
Why did James Bond always carry a watermelon with him? In case he needed to make a quick getaway by driving a “melon” miles per hour!
What did 007 say to the computer? “Shaken, not stirred” data!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? Because he wanted to investigate some “secret agent doughnuts”!
What do you call a secret agent’s dog? A spy-dar!
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? Because he wanted to make undercover toupées!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he loved to whisk away secret ingredients!
What do you call a secret agent who smells good? Bond, Cologne Bond!
Why was James Bond always successful at poker? He always had a good poker face.
What do you call a secret agent who loves to garden? 007 Green Thumb!
What does James Bond do when he gets cold? He turns on the heat with his spyder coat!
What did the spy say to the computer? “You’re the byte of my life!”
Why did James Bond join a gym? Because he wanted to be a secret agent in the best shape, 00-7!
What did James Bond say when he lost his shoes? “I guess I’m a sole survivor, 00-7!”
Why did the spy bring a hairdryer to the casino? To blow the cover.
What do you call a spy who is afraid of the dark? A secret agent with night frights!
Why did the spy wear a life jacket to the casino? Because he wanted to play Blackjack!
What do you call a spy who gets lost? James Lost.
Why did James Bond take a nap? Because he wanted to go undercover!
What’s 007’s favorite type of music? Spy-der-Man theme song!
Why did James Bond always bring a pen and paper to the casino? Because he wanted to take note of all the “bonds” he made!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to teach his students the importance of being Bond… James Bond!
What is James Bond’s favorite type of clothing? Secret Agent Briefs.
What do you call a spy with a cold? A sneeze agent!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to master the art of “espion-cooking”!
What did James Bond say to his car when it couldn’t start? “I guess I’ll have to Aston Wait!”
What do you get when you cross a spy with a baker? James Bond Bread!
What do you call James Bond in the shower? Bubble 007!
What type of shoes does James Bond wear? Sneak-ers!
What is James Bond’s favorite type of music? Spy-derman theme songs!
What do you call a spy who skips school? James Bond-absent.
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were shaken, not stirred!
What do you call a spy who can’t drive? 0-0-0!
What did James Bond say to his hairstylist? Make sure you give me a “license to frill”!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He needed to make some dough!
What do you call a clumsy spy? Bond, Oops Bond!
Why did James Bond go to the amusement park? For a spy-ride adventure!
Why did the spy bring a pillow to the mission? So he could go undercover as a secret agent bed!
Why did the spy go to the bakery? Because he wanted to go undercover!
What do you call James Bond when he’s lost his car keys? 00-blank!
Why did James Bond go to the circus? To find his undercover clown partner, 00HAHA!
Why did 007 take a day off from work? He needed to bond with his family!
What’s a spy’s favorite type of bird? A covert-ible!
What do you call it when 007 takes a nap? A secret snoo-ze!
What is James Bond’s favorite day of the week? Spy-day!
Why did 007 always bring a ruler to the casino? To measure up against his opponents!
What’s 007’s favorite sport? Spy-der Hockey!
Why did James Bond wear a life jacket to the movie theater? Because he heard it was a “skyfall” zone!

007 Jokes for Adults

Who says adults can’t enjoy a good 007 joke?

007 jokes for adults heighten the humor with a mix of sophisticated wit and a dash of audacity, much like the iconic British spy himself.

These jokes intricately weave elements of suspense, intrigue, and intelligence together with a good dose of humor, resembling the legendary Bond plots we have come to love.

Perfect for cocktail parties, poker nights, or any gathering where a touch of mystery and humour is needed.

Get ready for some secret agent style laughs with these 007 jokes that are specially designed for adults:

What did James Bond say when he ordered a Martini? “Do I look like I give a damn?”
Why did James Bond take his hat off at the dinner table? He didn’t want to blow his cover!
What do you call James Bond’s favorite painting? The Spy-sa Lisa!
Why was James Bond terrible at fixing things around the house? Because he always had a license to drill!
Why did James Bond become a baker? Because he kneaded a new career that was less dangerous!
Why did James Bond go to the eye doctor? Because he had double-O vision!
Why does James Bond always carry a pen? In case he needs to draw his “license to grill”!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He wanted to butter up his enemies!
Why did James Bond enroll in a yoga class? Because he wanted to master the art of spy-der pose!
Why did James Bond always use the escalator? He was afraid of elevators because they give him a license to thrill!
Why did James Bond open a beauty salon? He heard they had a license to frizz!
What did James Bond say to the bartender? “I’ll have a martini. In fact, I’ll have several. Just give me a license to drink!”
Why did James Bond fail his math test? Because he could never count on anyone else!
Why did James Bond visit the dry cleaner? Because his suits were always shaken, not stirred!
What is James Bond’s favorite type of cheese? Double-O cheddar!
Why did James Bond switch to online banking? He wanted to make sure his funds were always undercover!
Why did James Bond become a dentist? Because he loved interrogating teeth with his “toothbrush”!
Why did James Bond always use a pencil? Because pens are mightier than the sword!
Why did James Bond go to the doctor? Because he had a bad case of 00-Heaven!
How does James Bond like his coffee? Shaken, not stirred… just like his enemies!
Why did James Bond join the gym? He wanted to get a license to kill those calories!
What do you call a secret agent who works for the circus? Bond, James Bondlingo!
Why did James Bond start a bakery? He wanted to make sure every mission was a piece of cake!
Why did James Bond become a photographer? Because he’s always ready for a good shot!
Why did James Bond stop going to the gym? Because he had a license to chill!
Why did James Bond wear his tuxedo to the grocery store? Because he wanted to go undercover as a secret agent of freshness!
Why did James Bond get a job as a DJ? Because he wanted to spin some “007” records!
Why did James Bond never play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
What do you call James Bond’s optometrist? An eye-Q specialist!
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the library? Because he heard the books were full of spy characters!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the casino? Because he always wanted to make a high stakes entrance!
Why did James Bond become a magician? Because he loves performing “magic secret agent” tricks!
Why did James Bond take the elevator instead of the stairs? He didn’t want to blow his cover by making too many steps!
Why did James Bond fail as a musician? Because he couldn’t resist using his license to “shred”!
What does James Bond do when he gets a headache? He takes a secret agent-acetamol!
Why did James Bond go to the casino in his pajamas? He wanted to gamble with his sleep number!
Why did James Bond visit the doctor? He had a double-O ache!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to show that he kneads no introduction!
What does James Bond eat for breakfast? Double-O’s cereal.
What did James Bond say when he walked into a bakery? “I’m on a mission to uncover the secret recipe of the perfect croissant!”
Why did James Bond start playing golf? He wanted a license to putt!
Why did James Bond join the gym? So he could work on his double-O six-pack!
What do you call James Bond when he drinks too much coffee? Espresso agent!
Why did James Bond go to the casino? To gamble with his life savings!
What did James Bond say to his bartender? I’ll have a martini, shaken, not stirred, and hold the olives – I’m on a mission!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he always knew how to make a killer curry!
Why did James Bond take a blender to the casino? Because he wanted to shake, not stir!
Why did James Bond never become a doctor? Because he already had a license to kill!
Why did James Bond become a carpenter? He likes his missions with a touch of spy-nish!
Why did James Bond always use public transportation? Because he had a license to trill!
Why don’t James Bond and his friends ever get lost in the woods? Because they always have a good compass!
Why was James Bond never a good chef? Because he could never resist using his license to grill!
What did James Bond say to the beautiful woman on the dance floor? May I have this spy dance?
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with invisible ink? So he could write secret notes that couldn’t be Bond!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of dessert? License to chilli!
What do you call James Bond when he needs to go to the bathroom? Pee-007!
Why did James Bond always carry a measuring tape? To measure his spy-chiatrist’s couch for his therapy sessions!
What does James Bond call his favorite dessert? Double-O Seven-layer cake!
What does James Bond say when he sneezes? Achoo, James Achoo!
Why does James Bond always bring his dog on missions? Because he wants to have a “spy”der companion!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the villains? Because he always had a license to shuffle!
Why did James Bond never get lost in the wilderness? He had a great sense of spy-direction!
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? He wanted a license to recharge!
What do you call James Bond on a beach vacation? Sandy Handsome!
What do you call a spy who works for the post office? 00-Parcel!
Why did James Bond become an architect? He wanted to design secret hideouts and spy-tacular buildings!
What did James Bond say to the bartender at a casino? Give me a martini. Shaken, not stirred, and make it quick, I’ve got a villain to catch.
Why was James Bond so good at tennis? Because he had a license to kill!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? In case he needed a secret agent to get a higher position!
Why did James Bond go to the bank? To withdraw some “007”s!
What did James Bond say to the bartender after ordering a martini? “Make it a double-0 seven!”
What do you call a secret agent who works at a restaurant? A double agent!
Why did James Bond always bring a camera on missions? He wanted to shoot the evidence.
Why did James Bond start gardening? Because he needed a secret agent to protect his precious plants!
Why was James Bond bad at math? Because he could never count on anyone!
What did M say to James Bond at the bakery? “Bread carefully, 007!”
Why did James Bond refuse to take a selfie? Because he never wanted to say “cheese”!
What do you call James Bond’s laundry detergent? Double-O Clean!
What do you call James Bond when he loses all his money at the casino? Broke, James Broke!
Why did James Bond visit the bank? He wanted to open a savings account for his golden gun!
What does James Bond say when he enters a car dealership? “I’m looking for a license to drive!”
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder with him? He was always looking for the next level of intelligence.
Why did James Bond start a garden? Because he wanted to plant secret agents in “undercover” operations!
Why did James Bond start working at a gym? Because he wanted to master the art of “spy-nastics”!
Why did James Bond get kicked out of the library? He was always returning his books shaken, not stirred!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the elephants? He was afraid of being trumped by a big trunk!
Why did James Bond fail at stand-up comedy? His jokes were too undercover!
Why did James Bond start a garden? He wanted to make his own secret agent herbs!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of footwear? Spy-derman shoes!
Why did James Bond become an astronaut? He wanted to go undercover… in space!
Why did James Bond only use Apple products? Because he wanted to keep his intelligence top secret, even from Siri!
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he ordered a martini? “I’d like it shaken, not stirred, and with a twist of lemon… or is that too much to ask, Q?”
Why did James Bond become a teacher? He wanted to teach his students how to properly bond with their secrets!
What did M say to James Bond when he brought a broken computer? “007, why do you always bring me your hard drive?”
Why did James Bond visit the bakery? He was on a mission to uncover the secret recipe for the perfect Bond bread!
Why did James Bond go to the dentist? He needed to get his gold fillings extracted!
Why does James Bond never make his martinis at home? Because he prefers to be shaken, not stirred… by someone else!
Why did James Bond open a hardware store? Because he wanted to specialize in undercover operations!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he wanted to be known as the man with a golden thumb!
What does James Bond say when he enters a bakery? I’ll take a license to grill, please!
What do you call James Bond in a hot tub? Bubble-0-7!
Why did James Bond go to the music store? He needed a license to trill!
Why did James Bond order a round of martinis for everyone? Because he wanted to make sure his enemies were shaken and stirred!
Why did James Bond visit the eye doctor? Because he needed a new pair of spect-007-les!
Why did James Bond always take a parachute to the casino? In case he needed to make a quick exit!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with Bigfoot? Because he couldn’t bear to lose to a “big foot”!
What does James Bond do when he goes to the beach? He gets a license to tan!
Why did James Bond become a stand-up comedian? Because he couldn’t resist a good punchline!
What do you call James Bond when he goes off on a tangent? Agent 90 degrees!
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he ordered a drink? “Shaken, not stirred… and make it a double-O!”
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he was always prepared to draw his weapon!
Why did James Bond refuse to wear a tuxedo? He thought it was too formaldehyde!
Why did James Bond become a chef? He wanted to make sure his martinis were always shaken, not stirred!
Why did James Bond order a pizza? Because he couldn’t resist a good spy-ce!
Why did James Bond refuse to go to the casino? He couldn’t deal with all the double-O’s!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He wanted to put the 007’s in roses!

007 Joke Generator

Cracking a perfect James Bond joke can sometimes feel like a mission impossible.

(You got that, right?)

Well, fret not!

Our FREE 007 Joke Generator is here to your rescue.

Built to fuse witty puns, sharp humor, and punchy one-liners, it crafts jokes that are guaranteed to leave your audience shaken, not stirred.

Don’t let your humor go undercover.

Use our joke generator to engineer jokes that are as dynamic and thrilling as Bond himself.

FAQs About 007 Jokes

Why are 007 jokes so popular?

007 jokes are popular because they blend humor with the cool, suave, and daring persona of James Bond – the iconic British spy.

They’re an enjoyable way to celebrate the long-standing film franchise, its characters, and unforgettable moments.

Can 007 jokes help in social situations?

Definitely!

Sharing a 007 joke can be a great way to connect with other fans of the franchise, to lighten up the atmosphere, or simply to exhibit your wit.

With their universal appeal, 007 jokes can bring about laughter in almost any gathering.

How can I come up with my own 007 jokes?

Get familiar with the James Bond universe—his famous phrases, the villains, the Bond girls, and the gadgets etc.
Look for pun opportunities using well-known quotes, character names, or movie titles in the Bond series.
Consider the setting of your joke. Is it set in a high-stakes casino or a secret villain’s lair? Tailor your humor to match.
Take a famous quote or phrase and put a Bond twist on it.
Don’t shy away from wordplay. 007 jokes are filled with opportunities for puns and clever one-liners!

Are there any tips for remembering 007 jokes?

Try to associate the 007 jokes with scenarios or moments in the Bond movies.

Visualizing the scenes or characters can make it easier to remember the punchlines.

How can I make my 007 jokes better?

The secret lies in the surprise element.

Connect with your audience using familiar Bond elements, surprise them with the unexpected, and don’t hesitate to play with words.

Practice is key, so keep sharing your jokes to understand what gets the best response.

How does the 007 Joke Generator work?

Our 007 Joke Generator is your one-stop solution for instant humor, creating witty jokes with a few clicks.

Enter keywords related to your 007-themed humor or situation, and click the Generate Jokes button.

In no time, you’ll have a collection of fresh, funny 007 jokes ready to share.

Is the 007 Joke Generator free?

Yes, our 007 Joke Generator is absolutely free to use!

Generate as many jokes as you want and keep your conversations entertaining.

Go ahead and charm your friends with humor as smooth and sophisticated as James Bond himself!

Conclusion

007 jokes are a thrilling way to add a dash of intrigue to everyday chats, making life a bit more exciting with each chuckle.

From the snappy and clever to the lengthy and laughter-provoking, there’s a 007 joke for every scenario.

So next time you’re watching a Bond movie, remember, there’s humor to be found in every gadget, villain, and one-liner.

Keep spreading the laughs, and let the good times shake and stir.

Because after all, a day without laughter is like a day without 007—unimaginable and, frankly, a bit less adventurous.

Happy joking, everyone!

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Spy Jokes That Will Leave You Shaken, Not Stirred

Secret Agent Jokes to Crack You Up