698 James Bond Jokes That Deliver Action-Packed Punchlines

If you’re here, it means you’re ready to dive into the world of James Bond jokes.

Not just any jokes, but the top-tier, shaken-not-stirred kind.

That’s why we’ve curated a list of the most hilarious Bond-themed jokes.

From 007 puns to explosive one-liners, our compilation has a joke for every thrilling encounter.

So, let’s embark on this mission of Bond humor, one joke at a time.

Contents show

James Bond Jokes

James Bond jokes are a humor-rich goldmine perfect for fans of the iconic spy series.

They’re not just about the man himself, but the world that surrounds him.

From his penchant for martinis, shaken not stirred, to his legendary introductions, James Bond provides an array of comedic opportunities.

Creating the ultimate James Bond joke requires a clever use of wordplay, a nod to the famous plotlines, and a dash of the suave sophistication associated with the character.

And let’s not forget about the humor that arises from the spy’s endless encounters with absurd villains and outrageous situations.

Ready to laugh like a super villain?

Dive into the thrilling world of humor with these James Bond jokes:

What do you call a fake James Bond? An “im-pierce-onator.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of food? Secret service-steak.
Why did James Bond buy a blender? Because he wanted to shake, not stir, his smoothies.
Why don’t James Bond villains use email? Because they prefer sending cryptic messages using secret “spy-der” codes!
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he ordered a martini? “Make sure it’s shaken, not stirred. I don’t want my drink to be as predictable as my villains!”
What do you call it when James Bond stays up all night drinking coffee? A groundskeeper.
What did James Bond say to the bartender who couldn’t make a proper martini? “Sorry, but this service is on Her Majesty’s Secret Disservice!”
Why did James Bond switch to decaffeinated coffee? Because he wanted to avoid any potential mocha-chinations!
Why did James Bond start a music band? Because he’s great at spy-rhythm!
What did James Bond say to the villain before leaving the room? “I’ll be Bond…James Bond.” .
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to make a great impression with his license to grill.
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of tea? Royale with leaves.
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the casino? He heard the stakes were high, so he wanted to climb the ladder of success.
What did James Bond say to his iPhone? The name’s Bond, James Bond… but you can call me Siri.
Why does James Bond always use his dryer? Because it has a license to spin.
Why did James Bond become a baker? Because he kneaded the dough.
What did James Bond say when he walked into a bar? I’ll have a martini. And quickly, I’m on a secret mission.
Why did James Bond go to the bank? To open a secret savings account under the code name “007%!”
What did James Bond say when he was running late to a meeting? “Sorry, I’m on Her Majesty’s Secret Time.”
Why did James Bond get a job as a baker? Because he wanted to make the world’s best spy-der cakes.
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder with him? Because he wanted to have a License to Climb!
Why did James Bond always win at poker? Because he was the best at keeping his poker face under cover.
Why does James Bond always bring a box of kleenex on his missions? Because he never wants to leave any fingerprints behind!
What did James Bond say when he ran out of shaving cream? “I guess it’s time to go undercover!”
Why did James Bond switch to a macaw as his spy sidekick? Because the parrot was a master at cracking secret codes and squawking them out!
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? He’s an expert at cutting bond hair!
How does James Bond like his coffee? Shaken, not stirred… just like his secret missions!
Why don’t James Bond’s enemies like him? Because he always gets under their skin.
Why did James Bond take the bus instead of his famous Aston Martin? Because he couldn’t find a parking spot for all those gadgets!
What did James Bond say when he entered the bakery? “I’m here for the spy rolls!”
What does James Bond do when he can’t find his shoes? He goes undercover!
Why did James Bond become a doctor? Because he wanted to give his patients a Goldeneye for their health.
Why did James Bond become a farmer? He wanted to go undercover as a secret agent… in the field!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? In case he needed to write some secret agent-tle reminders.
Why did James Bond open a bakery? He wanted to make sure there was always a “golden crumb” on every mission!
What do you call James Bond’s favorite restaurant? License to Grill!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to show his students how to spy-derman.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? He didn’t want to be dealt a “sea”cret agent.
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he always wanted to make his enemies eat their words.
What do you call James Bond when he gets stuck in traffic? Agent 0070mph!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? In case he needed to make a swift escape in a Bond-climber.
Why don’t you ever see James Bond in a supermarket? Because he’s always on aisle 007.
What did James Bond say to the bartender at the casino? “I’ll take my martini shaken, not stirred, and with a twist of lemon… because I’m watching my figure.”
What do you call James Bond’s pet cat? A purr-suasive agent!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because he heard it was a bottomless deck!
Why did James Bond always carry a hairdryer? In case he needed to blow his cover.
What do you call James Bond when he’s tired? Bond, James… Bond-ed out.
What did James Bond say when he got a splinter? “Q, get me a filet of Bond-age!”
Why did James Bond take up gardening? Because he wanted to plant some “undercover” agents in his backyard!
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? He was tired of using gadgets and wanted to cut to the chase.
Why did James Bond visit the bakery? He needed a loaf of “Moneypenny.”
What do you call James Bond when he falls down the stairs? Daniel Craig!
What does James Bond do at the grocery store? He likes to “Q” the bananas.
Why did James Bond get a job at the bakery? He wanted to make sure that every loaf had a “license to grill!”
What did James Bond say when he couldn’t find his favorite pair of shoes? “I guess I’ll have to go undercover in my socks!”
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder with him? Because he wanted to reach new heights in his spy career!
Why did James Bond become a computer programmer? Because he wanted to be a “double 0 binary”
Why did James Bond open a bakery? He wanted to make sure everyone had a license to grill!
Why did James Bond switch to online shopping? He couldn’t handle Q standing in line.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? Because he never knew when he might need to draw his weapon!
Why did James Bond go to art school? He wanted to learn how to draw his enemies into a trap!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to make some secret double crust pies!
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? Because he wanted to be “charged” and ready for action at all times!
Why did James Bond go to the beach? Because he heard there was a lot of undercover work there.
Why did James Bond go to the bank? To get his secret agent-teller.
What do you call James Bond’s internet connection? WiFi-fi!
What did James Bond say to the tailor? Can you make me a tuxedo that’s bulletproof but still stylish? I need to be well-suited for action.
Why did James Bond always go to art exhibitions? Because he liked to keep his finger on the pulse of the art world.
What’s James Bond’s favorite mode of transportation? A Bond-voyage!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He wanted to uncover the secrets of the “double agent” croissants!
What do you call James Bond when he’s not feeling well? Bond, James Bond.
Why did James Bond become a magician? He wanted to make secrets disappear!
Why did James Bond start playing golf? Because he wanted to perfect his “license to drive”
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and paper? Because he wanted to write classified notes, not just classified missions!
What did James Bond say to his assistant when he couldn’t find his car keys? “I’m sorry, I must have misplaced my Aston Martin!”
What do you call it when James Bond skips church? Mission Impossible.
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He had a knack for undercover plant operations!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he always likes his martinis shaken, not stirred fry!
Why did James Bond go to therapy? He had a license to chill, but not to feel.
Why did James Bond go to the baseball game? Because he heard there would be lots of double agents.
Why did James Bond join the orchestra? Because he wanted to play his secret agent-tle.
Why did James Bond wear a life jacket to the casino? He was always prepared for “baccarat” attacks.
Why did James Bond get a job at the bakery? Because he wanted to make some dough on the side.
What did James Bond say to his blender? “Shaken, not blended!”
What did James Bond say when he spilled his drink? “I guess I’ll have to take my Martini on the rocks now.”
Why did James Bond join a yoga class? He wanted to master the art of being “unshaken and unstirred”
Why did James Bond become a comedian? He wanted to put the “spy” in “stand-up”!
Why did James Bond become a chef? He wanted to make sure all his dishes were 00-heaven!
What do you call James Bond when he’s having a bad day? A shaken, not stirred mess!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to master the art of “Bond-ing” with his students!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he kneaded a new career.
What do you call James Bond at the laundromat? Agent Washing Machine!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the casino? Because he always wanted to take his gambling to another level.
Why did James Bond join the circus? He heard they had a great spy balance!
Why did James Bond only use a pencil and paper during missions? Because he didn’t want to draw any attention.
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? He needed to buy a secret agent orange.
What do you call James Bond when he takes a day off? Bond, Jane Bond.
What do you call James Bond’s favorite type of rice? Spy rice!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He wanted to master the art of planting undercover agents!
Why did James Bond get a job as a hairdresser? Because he wanted to give the villains a brush with danger.
Why did James Bond start a gardening business? He wanted to plant secret agents in flower beds!
What do you call James Bond when he loses his car keys? A secret agent without his ignition.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and a notepad? Because he always wanted to take notes from his enemies.
What’s James Bond’s favorite social media platform? Insta-“spy”-gram.
What did James Bond say when he successfully completed a crossword puzzle? “The name’s Bond, James Bond – 007 across!”
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? Because he wanted to give the villains a good trim!
What do you call James Bond playing baseball? Bond, Bunt Bond.
Why does James Bond prefer using his Aston Martin instead of a bicycle? He prefers his vehicle to have a “license to thrill”
Why did James Bond always carry a water bottle? Because he liked his martinis shaken and hydrated!
What did James Bond say to the bartender who asked if he wanted his martini shaken or stirred? “I don’t care, as long as it’s served with a license to chill!”
What did James Bond say when his car broke down during a mission? “Looks like it’s time to take the Aston Martin for a quick jog!”
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed? He puts on his pajamas.
Why did James Bond switch to using an iPhone? Because he wanted to make sure he was always on “007 percent battery”
Why did James Bond never make it as a stand-up comedian? Because his jokes always fell flat… 007.
What’s James Bond’s favorite place to hang out? The secret agent bar, where everyone knows his codename!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? Because he wanted to scale the ranks in his secret agent career!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he kneads to be shaken, not stirred.
What do you call James Bond at a bakery? A spy roll agent!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? Spy-ano melodies!
Why did James Bond get a pet snake? Because he wanted a spy-thon.
What did James Bond say to the hairstylist? “I need a cut that’s shaken, not stirred!”
Why did James Bond go to the doctor? He was feeling shaken and stirred.
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? Because he needed to pick up his secret agent 007-layer dip.
Why did James Bond order a footlong sub? Because he wanted to double-0 seven inches.
What do you call James Bond on a boat? Bond, James Bond…Sailor!
What did James Bond say when he accidentally spilled coffee on his pants? “I guess I’ll have to change into my tux-pajamas!”
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil with him? In case he needed to make a quick sketch of the villain’s evil plan!
Why did James Bond go to the bank? Because he wanted to check his savings bonds.

Short James Bond Jokes

Short James Bond jokes are like shaken martinis—smooth, sophisticated, and full of dry wit.

These jokes are perfect for movie nights, social media posts, or that moment in a conversation when you need a secret weapon to bring about laughter.

The allure of short James Bond jokes is in their clever wordplay and references, delivering a chuckle with a side of sophistication.

So put on your tuxedo, adjust your cufflinks, and get ready to be amused.

Here are some short James Bond jokes that pack a stylish punchline in just a few words.

What is James Bond’s favorite type of dessert? Goldeneye scream!
What is James Bond’s favorite Mexican food? License to queso!
What do you call James Bond in a garden? Shaken, not stirred-fry!
Why did James Bond refuse to use public transportation?
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? For undercover “spy-der” missions!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of cell phone? A spy-Phone!
What’s James Bond’s favorite nursery rhyme? The Spy Who Loved Me!
He wanted to “grill” villains with his culinary skills!
He didn’t want to “commute” to danger!
Why did James Bond become a dentist? For “license to drill” missions!
What did James Bond say when he spilled his coffee?
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? For some double-0 rolls!
What do you call James Bond in the bathroom? Pee-Oh-Seven!
What do you call James Bond on a trampoline? Double bounce-oh-seven.
Why did James Bond become an artist? He wanted to sketch-ret agent.
What’s James Bond’s favorite ice cream flavor? Double 0 Vanilla!
What do you call James Bond’s laundry detergent? Double-0 Clean!
What do you call a James Bond-themed pet store? License to Krill!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of salad dressing? Secret vinaigrette!
Why did James Bond switch to decaf?
Why did James Bond become a chef?
He found out caffeine was making him “shaky” on missions!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? For his spy-writing skills!
I think I’ve caught a “spy” virus!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of footwear? Spy-derman shoes!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of weather? Thunderstorm-y.
Because he was a secret agent, not a mathematician!
Why did James Bond cross the road? To catch the invisible car!
Because the ocean had too many “fishy” deals!
A “plant” agent!
What do you call a spy who can’t dance? Bond, clumsy Bond.
What do you call James Bond in a bathtub? Bubble-O-Seven!
Why did James Bond join a gym?
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of chocolate? Miss Moneypennies!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? To reach the spyglass.
What’s James Bond’s favorite drink? A martini, hold the villain!
He heard they had top-secret “dough”nuts!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of candy? Secret-agent-lemon drops!
I guess I’ll have to “brew” another cup!
What’s James Bond’s favorite restaurant? The Spy-cy Shack!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of dessert? Espion-ache!
He wanted to be “007% fit!”

James Bond Jokes One-Liners

James Bond jokes one-liners are the epitome of wit wrapped up in a compact sentence.

They’re the verbal equivalent of a perfectly shaken martini – smooth, sharp, and undeniably stylish.

Creating a powerful one-liner needs a fusion of originality, accuracy, and a profound understanding of the mystery and charm surrounding the legendary 007.

The challenge is to condense the premise and the punchline into a single, impactful sentence, generating maximum laughter with minimal words.

Here’s to hoping these James Bond one-liners leave you stirred with amusement:

Why did James Bond always carry a ladder with him? In case he needed to make a quick escape from the high notes in an opera!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he wanted to draw his enemies closer.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the monkeys at the zoo? He knew they were experts at chimp counting.
What did James Bond say to the librarian? I’m looking for a book on interrogation techniques, but I’m afraid I might be under surveillance.
What did James Bond say to the tailor? Make me a suit that’s bulletproof, but also stylish enough to seduce spies.
Why did James Bond fail as a stand-up comedian? He couldn’t keep his license to kill the audience laughing!
What did James Bond say when he caught a cold? Achoo, Mr. Sniffles!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? He wanted to specialize in making spy-doughnuts.
Why does James Bond always carry a pen? Because he likes his gadgets shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond join the gardening club? He wanted to plant secret agents.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with a jungle cat? He didn’t want to deal with a cheetah.
Why did James Bond visit the bakery? He needed to get his “license to grill.”
Why did James Bond become a math teacher? Because he always knew how to count on his gadgets!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to make “stirred, not scrambled” eggs.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? “I’ll have a Martini. Shaken, not stirred. And if it’s not too much trouble, can you garnish it with a secret agent?”
I told James Bond that I loved his car. He replied, “That’s Aston Martin, baby!”
What do you call a James Bond who is very gossipy? A secret agent.
Why did James Bond always bring his umbrella on missions? He didn’t want to get caught in the rain without a license to kill.
Why did James Bond always use hand sanitizer? Because he didn’t want to catch any Goldfingers.
What do you call a cat that can solve mysteries? Sherlock Meows.
Why did James Bond get a job at the bank? He heard they had a license to bill.
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he asked for a martini? “Shaken, not stirred, but with a twist of lemon and a dash of intrigue.”
Why did James Bond always bring his smartphone to the casino? Because he liked to spy on his opponents’ poker faces.
I asked James Bond if he could lend me some money. He said, “Sure, just give me a sec…ret service.”
Why did James Bond always bring his phone to the beach? He wanted to catch some wave lengths.
Why did James Bond refuse to go to the bank? He didn’t like the idea of being an undercover agent.
What do you call James Bond at a seafood restaurant? A shrimp-ster!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? Because it was mightier than his license to kill!
What does James Bond do on laundry day? He likes to wash and dry martinis.
What did James Bond say to his pet dog? “Bark, James Bark.”
Why did James Bond join a swimming club? Because he heard they were recruiting agents to go under covers!
I told my friend I was thinking of becoming a secret agent like James Bond. He said, “Good luck, you can’t even keep a secret recipe for guacamole.”
What did James Bond say to the bartender? Give me a martini, and make it double-o seven-up!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he liked his mission briefs to be sharp.
What do you call James Bond at a music concert? Agent 0070s.
I told my wife I wanted to dress up as James Bond for Halloween. She said, “Just make sure to wear a wedding ring, so people know you’re a married spy who never gets caught.” Ouch.
Why did James Bond switch to a hybrid car? He wanted to leave a smaller carbon footprint on his secret missions.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen? Because he could never resist a good ink-stinct.
Why did James Bond wear a wetsuit to the ball? He liked to make a splash at the casino.
I asked James Bond if he had any brothers. He replied, “No, but I have a lot of Bonds with my sisters.”
Why did James Bond never eat at fancy restaurants? He preferred his meals shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond switch to a plant-based diet? He wanted to be licensed to “kale.”
I told my friend I wanted to be like James Bond. He said I should start by getting a cool car and an expensive tuxedo. I told him I already have a cool car… in Grand Theft Auto.
What did James Bond say when he got stuck in traffic? No time to die, but plenty of time to honk!
What do you call James Bond at the beach? A secret sand-agent.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of cookie? Double Oreo Seven.
Why did James Bond become a beekeeper? Because he wanted to master the art of espionage, honey traps included!
What does James Bond call his laundry detergent? Double-O-Clean.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of cereal? Espionage flakes!
Why did James Bond fail as a stand-up comedian? He couldn’t keep his jokes “undercover.”
I tried to order a Martini like James Bond, but the bartender just looked at me and said, “Sir, this is a McDonald’s.”
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He heard they had top-secret pastry recipes.
What did James Bond say when he bumped into a clown? “I’m sorry, I thought you were a “spyder.”
What do you call James Bond at a bakery? The Man with the Golden Bun.
Why did James Bond take up yoga? He wanted to learn how to be completely Zen and double-o-m!
What do you call James Bond in a hot tub? Double-O Bubble-O!
Why did James Bond become a chef? He loved to go undercover as a secret saucier.
Why did James Bond never play baseball? He was always caught stealing.
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of humor? Spy puns that always “double O make” him laugh!
What did James Bond say when he was offered a job at the bakery? I prefer my rolls with gadgets, not dough.
Why did James Bond become an architect? He wanted to design “secret agent-chitecture.”
What do you call James Bond when he’s on his lunch break? Bond-appetit.
Why did James Bond always carry a ruler? Because he wanted to measure up to his own “spy-darity”!
What do you call it when James Bond skips a meal? A License to Grill.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? I’ll have a Martini. Do you take secret agent cards?
I asked James Bond if he had any books on spies. He replied, “I have several, but I never read them.” .
Why did James Bond become an accountant? He wanted to live a life of “spy-der graphs.”
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the bar? Because he wanted to order his drinks “on the rocks.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of dessert? Espi-onage cake with a side of “secret agent” strawberries!
What did James Bond say to the bartender who gave him a martini without olives? “This is a Double-0lless drink.”
Why did James Bond take up gardening? Because he wanted to live and let die.
I saw James Bond at a bakery. He said, “I’m on a mission to stop the car-bread-ation of evil!”
What did James Bond say when he finished his workout? The name’s Bond… Gym Bond.
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? For his undercover mission to spy on the top secrets!
Why did James Bond get a job at the post office? He wanted to be an undercover male.
What’s James Bond’s favorite time of day? 0:07. It’s Bond time.
My wife asked me if I could be anyone in the world, who would I be? I said James Bond. She said, “I was thinking more along the lines of someone who helps with the dishes.”
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to live and let fry!
Why did James Bond always bring his watch to the casino? Because he liked to keep an eye on his “bonds”!
Why did James Bond go to therapy? He needed help with his “double-O” issues.
Why did James Bond always use a pencil when taking notes? Because he wanted to be sure to leave no fingerprints.
Why did James Bond bring his dog on every mission? He wanted to unleash his secret weapon.
What did James Bond say to his barber? “Just give me a Quantum of Solace.”
What does James Bond do when he’s out of shape? He goes to the gym and does agentle workout.
Why did James Bond go to the zoo? He heard the spy-der monkeys were planning a coup!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because the sea-cret agent always had a flush!
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were shaken, not stirred.
What do you call James Bond’s laundry detergent? License to Spill!
Why did James Bond prefer using a pencil instead of a pen? He liked his spies to have a good “lead.”
How does James Bond like his eggs? Secretly, of course!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He wanted to investigate the case of the missing doughnuts.
What did James Bond say when he accidentally drank too much coffee? I guess this is what they call a double espresso agent.
I asked James Bond if he wanted to hear a joke about time travel. He said, “No, I’ve already heard it yesterday.”
What does James Bond do when he’s hungry? He spies on the menu.
What did James Bond say to the bartender? Give me a martini, but keep it secret agent.
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of pizza? Pierce Brosnan!
Why did James Bond stop using his credit card? He realized he only lived twice, but his debt kept growing!
What did James Bond say when he couldn’t find his shoes? I have a license to kill, not a license to heel.
What did James Bond say when he ran out of conditioner? “Looks like I’m stuck with double-oh knots.”
Why did James Bond join the gym? He wanted to exercise his license to kill calories.
Why does James Bond always carry a pen? Because he likes to draw a blank.
Why did James Bond get a pet dog? He wanted a Golden Retriever.
What did James Bond say to the bartender who asked if he wanted his martini shaken or stirred? “Do I look like I give a damn?”
What did James Bond say when he got stuck in traffic? “I’m shaken, not stirred.” .
Why did James Bond become a barber? He loves giving people a license to trim!
What does James Bond do when he gets locked out of his car? He uses his license to “spy”re!
Why did James Bond always use a GPS? Because he never wanted to get lost in translation.
Why did James Bond become a detective? He wanted to bond with his inner secret agent.
Why did James Bond never get a credit card? He preferred to pay with a secret service!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he wanted to plant some secret agents in the soil.
Why did James Bond become a musician? Because he likes to shake and stir his notes!
What did James Bond say to the bartender at a fancy cocktail party? “I’ll have a license to chill.”
What did James Bond say when he lost his car keys? Q, I can’t find the ignition, I think I’m Aston Lost.
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to make his famous double-oh crusty pies!
Why did James Bond buy a blender? Because he wanted his martinis shaken, not stirred… and blended!
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he asked for a martini? “Shaken, not stirred, and make it snappy! I’m on a mission.”
Why did James Bond never use a smartphone? He preferred to keep his gadgets a bit more Q-classic.
What do you call James Bond when he has a cold? Agent 00-achoo!
What does James Bond say to his laundry? Press, dry clean, and martini, please!
Why did James Bond go to art school? Because he wanted to brush up on his espionage skills.
What do you call James Bond playing hide and seek? Bond. James Bond.
Why did James Bond never become a professional chef? Because he couldn’t shake and stir at the same time.
What do you call James Bond on a snowmobile? An Ice Spy!
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He was on a mission to uncover the secret recipe for “007-layer cake.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite exercise? Espionage biking!
Why did James Bond become a math teacher? Because he’s good at calculating the odds!
Why did James Bond go to the therapist? Because he had a “License to Chill.”
My life is basically just waiting for the next James Bond movie to come out.
What did James Bond say to his barber? “Make sure you give me a License to Trim.”
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he never wanted to miss his notes, even in the heat of a chase!
What do you call James Bond’s vegetable garden? A secret herb-y.
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he was tired of living life on the hedge!
What do you call James Bond in the winter? The Spy Who Loved Skiing.
Why did James Bond switch to herbal tea? He realized that espionage is a steep price to pay.
Why did James Bond fail as a stand-up comedian? His jokes were too undercover for the audience to understand.
Why did James Bond start playing golf? Because he heard it was a spy-ritual activity!
I asked my wife if she wanted to role play as James Bond and Bond girl. She said no, because she didn’t want to have a license to thrill.
Why did James Bond start working at a flower shop? Because he wanted to be an undercover agent!
What did James Bond say when he got stuck in traffic? “Looks like I’m in a jam, es jam, es jam.”
Why did James Bond never become a stand-up comedian? He couldn’t keep a straight face.
Why was James Bond banned from the library? Because he always returns his books shaken, not stirred.
What did James Bond say when he accidentally bumped into a door? “Bond, James Bond. Oops.”
What did James Bond say when he lost all his money at the casino? I guess I’ll have to make a withdrawal from the Bank of Q!
Why did James Bond refuse to play hide and seek with his friends? Because he was always Bond to find them!
Why did James Bond start gardening? He heard there was a lot of undercover work involved.
Why did James Bond go to the gym? Because he wanted to be “in-spy-ered” by his own reflection!
I asked my friend if he had seen the latest James Bond movie. He said, “No, but I’ve seen all the commercials for it.” Apparently, he thought it was called ‘James Bond: The Ad Campaign’.

James Bond Dad Jokes

James Bond dad jokes are the perfect mix of action-packed puns and amusing humor that could make anyone both groan and chuckle simultaneously.

These are the kind of jokes that are so dreadful, they’re absolutely hilarious.

Ideal for family movie nights, casual chats, or simply to bring a grin to a fellow 007 fan’s face.

Prepare yourselves for the eye-rolls and laughs.

Here are some James Bond dad jokes that are guaranteed to hit the mark:

Why did James Bond become a musician? Because he’s always looking for the perfect spy harmony.
Why did James Bond take up knitting? He needed a hobby to keep his hands busy between missions!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he wanted to create “007-course meals”!
How does James Bond prefer his eggs? Scrambled, not shaken or stirred.
Why did James Bond go to art school? He wanted to learn the art of espionage.
What did James Bond say when he found a broken pencil? “I guess it’s time to draw the line!”
What does James Bond do at the beach? He spies on the sandcastle builders.
Why did James Bond become a plumber? Because he loved to work undercover and get to the bottom of things!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of sandwich? A secret agent (sub)marine.
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he always wanted to shake and stir things in the kitchen.
Why did James Bond switch to herbal tea? He wanted to steep undercover.
What did James Bond say when he couldn’t find his car keys? “I guess my Aston Martin has gone undercover!”
Why did James Bond choose the smallest rental car? He believed that good things come in Aston Martin packages!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards? Because he didn’t like Casino Royale-flushes!
What do you call James Bond when he takes a nap? A secret agent slumber.
Why did James Bond never play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of tea? Spy-chai.
What does James Bond do when he gets bored? He likes to go undercover…covers!
Why did James Bond become a tailor? Because he always keeps his suits under cover.
Why did James Bond never shop online? Because he doesn’t like to click it and risk it.
Why did James Bond switch to online shopping? He wanted to live and let buy.
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he loved to live life on the hedge and embrace his secret agent roots.
Why did James Bond become a car mechanic? Because he wanted to work on his Aston Mart-inis!
What did James Bond say when he entered the bakery? “I’m on a mission to butter your croissant.”
What did James Bond say when he accidentally stepped on a banana peel? “I’ve been shaken, not stirred!”
Why did James Bond never invest in the stock market? Because he preferred his 00-7% return on investment!
What does James Bond do before bed? He counts his enemies instead of sheep.
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he could always whip up a killer recipe!
Why did James Bond switch to a vegan diet? Because he thought meat was a little too “spy-curious”
What did James Bond say when someone asked if he had any siblings? I have a brother, his name is Bond, Savings Bond!
Why does James Bond always carry a ladder? Because he likes to “spy” on things from a higher perspective!
Why did James Bond start a bakery? Because he wanted to become the world’s best secret agent in doughnut operations.
Why did James Bond always carry a camera? Because he liked to “shoot” his enemies and capture the evidence!
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he loved adding a “license to grill” to every dish!
Why did James Bond always carry a watch? Because time is spy-lent evidence!
Why did James Bond never excel at math? Because he could never solve the “Golden Ratio-nale”!
Why did James Bond go to the bank? He wanted to withdraw some secret funds.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the jungle animals? Because he didn’t want to get caught in a game of cheetahs.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and a watch? Because he was always ready to write the perfect moment in time.
Why did James Bond refuse to wear a watch? Because he always likes to keep an eye on the time.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because he was tired of dealing with “sea-cret agents.”
Why did James Bond always carry a Swiss Army knife? Because he knew the importance of “bond-ing” with his tools!
Why did James Bond always carry a pocket calculator? Because he liked to double-O seven!
Why did James Bond become a soccer player? Because he loved “Golden Goal”
Why did James Bond become a beekeeper? Because he wanted to have his own “double-oh-hive”!
What kind of shoes does James Bond wear? Sneakers, because he’s always on the move!
Why did James Bond become a real estate agent? Because he had a knack for turning “properties” into “missions”!
How does James Bond like his eggs? Secret agent style – scrambled, not stirred.
How does James Bond change a light bulb? He holds it firmly and the world revolves around him.
Why did James Bond go to the eye doctor? Because he wanted to keep his contacts under surveillance.
What’s James Bond’s favorite drink? A Vodka Martini… shaken, not stirred… but just a little bit, he’s got trust issues.
What is James Bond’s favorite type of doctor? The spy-chiatrist.
Why did James Bond join the circus? He wanted to be an undercover trapeze artist.
Why does James Bond always carry a ladder? In case he needs to make a quick escape through the window, he’s always ready for “Bond, fire escape Bond!”
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? Because he wanted to have a “spy-brid” vehicle!
What does James Bond say when he enters a party? Bond, James Bond, licensed to thrill.
What did James Bond say to the villain at the sushi restaurant? “I’m here to take you out… for dinner!”
Why was James Bond terrible at hiding? Because he always got caught up in his own spy webs!
Why did James Bond join the circus? He wanted to go undercover as a tightrope walker!
Why did James Bond visit the eye doctor? He wanted to make sure his vision was 007/007!
What did James Bond say to the villain who stole his pillow? “You’re about to make a big mistake, I take my rest very seriously.”
Why did James Bond become an astronaut? He wanted to explore the moonraker.
Why did James Bond prefer to drive manual cars? Because he liked having “control” in every situation!
Why did James Bond bring a pen to the gunfight? In case he needed to draw first.
Why did James Bond never take his cat to the beach? He didn’t want it to blow his cover as a secret agent!
Why did James Bond switch to a low-carb diet? He wanted to maintain his 00-figure!
Why did James Bond always have a parachute when skydiving? He liked to make a smooth exit, just like his martinis.
Why does James Bond never need a haircut? Because he always uses a “Golden Scissors”
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? Because he was always on a secret mission to reach new heights.
Why did James Bond become an architect? Because he likes to build suspense.
What do you call a spy who works for James Bond’s rival? A double agent-OH-7!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and paper? In case he had to jot down some top-secret notes!
What did James Bond say to the tailor? Make it a secret agent suit, so it’s always undercover!
What do you call James Bond playing baseball? Agent 007th inning stretch.
Why did James Bond always carry a tape measure? He liked to make sure the mission was to the inch.
How does James Bond prefer his eggs? Scrambled, with a license to grill.
What did James Bond say when he spilled his coffee? I have a license to spill.
Why did James Bond break up with his girlfriend? She couldn’t keep up with his undercover lifestyle… she was always feeling ‘unBONDed’.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and a watch? In case he had to draw the line at the right time.
Why did James Bond become a musician? He needed a cover for all his secret agent activities!
What’s James Bond’s favorite exercise? Spy-nastics.
Why did James Bond join a gym? Because he wanted to work on his “double-o abs”!
Why did James Bond always carry a parachute? In case he needed to make a quick “spy-rited” exit.
Why did James Bond go to the amusement park? For some spy rides!
Why did James Bond never buy a smartwatch? He preferred his timepieces shaken, not stirred.
What did James Bond say to the tailor? Make me a suit that’s bulletproof and stylish, with a license to frill.
Why did James Bond refuse to eat oysters? He had a license to shuck.
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? Because he always knows how to make an undercover cut.
How did James Bond fix his broken car? With a Golden Wrench, of course.
Why did James Bond refuse to go to a bakery? Because he didn’t want to get caught in a bread-up mission.
Why did James Bond become a tailor? Because he’s always ready to “suit” up for action.
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because he knew the sea would always have a better flush!
Why did James Bond go to the dentist? Because he wanted to get his golden molars checked.
Why did James Bond start a vegetable garden? Because he wanted to plant undercover agents!
Why did James Bond switch to a plant-based diet? Because he wanted to become a “Bond” vivant, always on a mission to save the animals too.
Why did James Bond become a sailor? He heard there were plenty of spy-ders on board!
Why did James Bond always bring a suitcase full of breadcrumbs? In case he needed to leave a trail of “spy-crumbs”
Why did James Bond go to the pet store? He was in search of a “Golden Retriever” for his next mission!
Why does James Bond never go to art galleries? He hates being shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond join the gym? To stay in spy shape!
Why did James Bond become a dentist? He wanted to keep his enemies’ teeth under surveillance!
Why did James Bond get a job at the zoo? He wanted to work undercover as a spy-der.
Why did James Bond never wear a hat? Because he preferred to keep a low profile.
Why did James Bond take up knitting? Because he wanted to make sure his sweaters had a license to chill.
Why did James Bond go to the bakery? Because he wanted to find the “Man with the Golden Buns”
Why did James Bond go to the bank? To deposit some “007s”
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because it was always trying to sea his hand.
What does James Bond do when he has a stomachache? He takes Gold-finger-aid.
Why was James Bond always successful at online dating? Because he had a “license to thrill” on every profile!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to his missions? Because he wanted to make sure he had a Bond-age escape plan!
Why did James Bond always use a ladder instead of stairs? Because he wanted to stay “elevated” at all times!
Why did James Bond become an electrician? Because he wanted to live a shocking double life!
Why did James Bond become an electrician? Because he’s always ready to “shock” and “spy”der you with his skills.
What did James Bond say when he broke the silence in the library? “I guess it’s time to turn the page.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of clothing? Undercover wear.
Why did James Bond start a bakery? Because he wanted to make sure his enemies were always “toast.”
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? Because he wanted to buy GoldenEye-le peppers.
What did James Bond say when he entered the bakery? I’ll take my scones shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond become a soccer player? He had a license to goal.
Why did James Bond never have a fear of heights? Because he always had a “bond” with skydiving!
Why did James Bond become a dentist? Because he wanted to give his enemies a license to drill!
What kind of car does James Bond’s grandmother drive? A Mini Cooper-ation.
Why did James Bond invest in real estate? Because he wanted to be known as the “Property Agent 007.”
What’s James Bond’s favorite board game? Operation.
What is James Bond’s favorite type of fabric? Bonded polyester.
Why did James Bond go to the supermarket? He needed to stock up on double-oh flour.
Why did James Bond get a job as a tailor? He always had a license to frill.
What did James Bond say when he found out he was a father? “The name’s Bond… Diaper Bond.”
Why did James Bond join a gym? To stay “Bond-ed” and fit for his next mission.
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he kneads to work on his spy skills!
What is James Bond’s favorite kind of car? A BMW… Bond, James Bond!
What did James Bond say to his shoe repairman? Keep the soles quiet, they’re on a mission!
Why does James Bond always carry a camera? Because he likes to “Shoot” every moment.
Why did James Bond go to the supermarket? He needed to pick up some secret ingredients for his martinis.
Why was James Bond always well-dressed? Because he always knew how to suit up!
Why did James Bond refuse to use the internet? He preferred his own “007” search engine.
What do you call James Bond at the dentist? A flossy agent.

James Bond Jokes for Kids

James Bond jokes for kids are like the secret agents of the humor world—mysterious, exciting, and always a thrill for the little ones.

These jokes give kids an opportunity to explore the world of spies and secret missions, while understanding the essence of wit and wordplay.

It’s a great way to inject some humor into their daily adventures, fostering a love for comedy that’s as thrilling as a Bond movie.

Moreover, James Bond jokes for kids add an element of excitement to storytelling, transforming a regular tale into a thrilling mission filled with laughter.

Ready for some secret agent fun?

Here are the jokes that’ll have them chuckling over their code names:

Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? He needed to pick up some double-oh-sevens.
What do you call James Bond when he’s in the kitchen? Chef 007!
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the library? Because he heard the books had classified information.
What did James Bond say when he ran out of toothpaste? I’m all out of Crest and out of time!
Why does James Bond always carry a phone charger? He never wants to be caught with a dead line!
Why did James Bond always use an umbrella? Because it was a good way to rain on his enemies!
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? For some double-o seven up!
What’s James Bond’s favorite fruit? Espion-Apples!
What do you call James Bond when he’s clocking out of work? Secret Agent Man-date.
Why did James Bond go to art school? Because he wanted to be a master of disguise!
How does James Bond like his toast? Shaken, not toasted!
Why did James Bond take his car to the dentist? Because it had a license to drill!
Why did James Bond join a fitness club? He wanted to stay in spy-shape!
What did James Bond say when he lost at poker? I guess my poker face wasn’t as good as I thought!
What do you call James Bond when he can’t find his shoes? Agent Missing Sole.
What’s James Bond’s favorite food? Spy-ghetti!
What do you call James Bond’s favorite dessert? Secret agent Orange Cake!
What do you get when you cross James Bond with a snowman? Frosty-fingers!
Why did James Bond bring a comb to the casino? Because he wanted to “part” with his winnings!
Why was James Bond always good at math? Because he could always count on his fingers!
What’s James Bond’s favorite fruit? Golden Raspberries!
What kind of car does James Bond drive in the winter? An “Ice”-on Martin!
What do you call a spy who likes to play baseball? James Bunt!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and eraser? Because he liked to erase any evidence of his mistakes!
What kind of car does James Bond drive when he’s on vacation? An Aston Vacation!
What did James Bond say when he saw a ghost? “Double-O-Boo!”
What do you call a spy who wears glasses? Agent Double-O-See!
Why did James Bond always carry a pencil and paper? Because he liked his notes shaken, not stirred!
What’s James Bond’s favorite dessert? Gold finger-licking good cake!
Why did James Bond take a nap during a mission? He wanted to be undercover agent!
What does James Bond do when he’s cold? He turns on the heating… his enemies!
Why did James Bond only use an old-fashioned phone? Because he didn’t trust the spy-der webs.
What does James Bond say when he has a cold? Ah-choo-7!
Why did James Bond go to the pet store? He wanted a spy-ding companion.
What’s James Bond’s favorite school subject? Spy-chology!
Why did James Bond wear a life jacket to the casino? He always likes to be prepared for any “undercover” water missions!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? Secret Agent Beats!
Why did James Bond open a bakery near the ocean? He wanted to serve “Scones of Solace”!
What do you call James Bond when he’s waiting in line? Bond… James Bonding!
What’s James Bond’s favorite dessert? Secret agent pudding!
Why did James Bond join a cooking class? Because he wanted to learn how to make top-secret recipes!
What do you call it when James Bond goes for a swim? A bond-dip!
What do you call James Bond when he’s waiting at the airport? Terminal, Bond. James Terminal, Bond.
What do you call James Bond when he’s in a hurry? Bond, James Bond-zai!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? Because he wanted to keep his undercover operations “undercover”!
What does James Bond say when he’s cooking? The name’s Bond, Fryin’ Bond!
What’s James Bond’s favorite part of a joke? The punch-line!
Why did James Bond never go to art galleries? He didn’t want to get caught staring at “Bond-age” paintings.
What do you call James Bond when he’s taking a break? Bond, Rest Bond!
What did James Bond say to the bartender? I’ll take my martini shaken, not stirred… just like my laundry!
What did James Bond say to his hairstylist? Make it a Bond cut!
What is James Bond’s favorite fruit? GoldenEye-apple!
What did James Bond say when he finished a puzzle? “007 down, only a few more pieces to go!”
What do you call James Bond when he loses all his money at the casino? Broke Bond!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to learn the spy-ding of the kids!
What do you call James Bond when he’s sleeping? A secret agent in bed!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of tree? The secret agent birch!
What do you call James Bond when he falls into a pond? Wet Bond, James Wet Bond.
What’s James Bond’s favorite place to shop? Q-Mart.
What do you call James Bond when he’s on vacation? Bond, Beach Bond!
What’s James Bond’s favorite ice cream flavor? License to Chill!
Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to bring some “dough” to his secret missions!
What’s James Bond’s favorite sport? Spy-athlon!
What did James Bond say to the dental hygienist? My teeth may be shaken, but they’re not stirred!
Why did James Bond take up gardening? Because he wanted to go undercover as a secret agent plant!
What do you call James Bond’s pet dog? Bond’s best friend, Agent Woofer!
Why did James Bond take his car to the mechanic? Because it had a lot of spy-der webs!
Why did James Bond go to the zoo? To see the spy-der exhibit!
What does James Bond do before bed? He goes undercover!
Why did James Bond go to the farm? To investigate the chick spies!
What did James Bond say when he found a stray cat on his mission? “Purr-fect timing!”
Why did James Bond become a teacher? He wanted to keep an “eye” on his students!
What do you call a James Bond who can’t sing? Tone-deaf-07.
What did James Bond say when he won at poker? I’m all in, Bond! James Bond!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of pizza? 00-heese.
Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the library? He wanted to spy on the bookshelves!
What do you call James Bond’s favorite dog breed? A Bond-dle of joy!
What’s James Bond’s favorite insect? Spy-derman!
What did James Bond say when he lost his pen? “I spy a case of mistaken identity!”
What do you call James Bond when he gets a haircut? Bond-ed.
Why did James Bond go to the aquarium? He wanted to catch a spy-fish!
Why did James Bond become an athlete? Because he was always ready to sprint into action.
Why was James Bond always calm and collected? Because he always had a license to chill!
What does James Bond use to do his laundry? Bleach, another bleach.
Why did James Bond go to the grocery store? To get his secret agent supplies: double-o7-Up and license to kale!
What’s James Bond’s favorite dessert? Mission Impossible pie!
What do you call James Bond in a restaurant? The waiter’s worst nightmare!
What is James Bond’s favorite type of clothing? Undercover agents!
Why did James Bond become a gardener? He wanted to live life undercover… in the plants!
What do you call James Bond’s laundry? Secret service wash!
Why did James Bond become a baker? He wanted to make spy-der cupcakes!
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to instruct in double-0 seven!
What does James Bond like to do on Halloween? Go undercover as a secret agent!
What did James Bond say to the waiter at the fancy restaurant? “Can I have a license to grill?”
What do you call a James Bond who loves gardening? Agent Mulch!
What does James Bond say when he wins a game? “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with VICTORY!”
Why did James Bond take an umbrella? In case it rained on his secret mission.
Why did James Bond become a teacher? Because he wanted to be a secret agent in the classroom!
Why did James Bond always bring a ladder to the movie theater? Because he wanted a better view of the double features!

James Bond Jokes for Adults

Who says adults can’t indulge in a hearty laugh with some James Bond jokes?

James Bond jokes for adults upgrade the humor game, merging refined wit with a sprinkle of brazen charm.

Just like a classic Bond martini, these jokes stir together elements of humor, intelligence, and a hint of audaciousness for a remarkably entertaining laugh.

These jokes are ideal for cocktail parties, movie nights, or simply to add a twist of fun to an intense discussion among friends.

Here are some James Bond jokes that are sure to leave adults both shaken and stirred with laughter:

Why did James Bond start a detective agency? Because he couldn’t bear to be a retired spy, he had to keep Bonding with the mystery!
What did James Bond say when he won a game of poker? Looks like I’ve got a license to kill it at cards.
Why was James Bond terrible at poker? He always gave away his telltale “Bond, James Bond” introduction!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the villains? Because he already had a “royal flush” in his pocket!
Why did James Bond never become a chef? Because he couldn’t resist adding a little “007” spice to every dish!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of pasta? Spyghetti!
Why did James Bond become a stand-up comedian? He had a license to thrill the audience with his jokes!
Why did James Bond start a rock band? He wanted to be known as The Spy Who Shagged the Microphone!
Why did James Bond always carry an umbrella? Because he liked to be prepared for the “chance of showers” on his missions!
What do you call a spy who works with James Bond? Bond’s accomplice.
What did James Bond say when he won the lottery? “I guess you could say I’m a secret agent… for money!”
Why did James Bond cross the road? To escape from the evil henchmen chasing him!
Why did James Bond never join a book club? He preferred to judge books by their covert operations, not their covers!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the ocean? It kept throwing in too many sharks!
Why did James Bond always carry a suitcase full of spices? Because he liked his missions extra-seasoned!
What’s James Bond’s favorite car insurance? License to Thrill!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? Because he wanted to take notes on every Bond girl he met!
What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? Secret Service music – it’s always undercover!
Why did James Bond become a tailor? He wanted to make sure his suits were bulletproof and stylish.
Why did James Bond go to the dry cleaner? He wanted to press his luck.
What did James Bond say when he ran out of toilet paper? “I’m having a double-0-no!”
Why did James Bond become a chef? He wanted a license to grill and thrill at the same time!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder with him? In case he needed to get to the Bond-villain’s high-rise lair!
Why did James Bond refuse to drink coffee? Because it kept him awake all night, and he preferred his “Bond-time” to be a secret!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the villains? He didn’t want to deal with any double agents!
Why did James Bond refuse to use a smartphone? Because he preferred his gadgets shaken, not stirred!
What do you call it when James Bond falls in love with a fish? Octopussy!
Why did James Bond always carry a ladder? He wanted to scale the heights of danger!
Why did James Bond always carry a watch with him? Because he liked to keep an eye on the time and make sure he didn’t miss any action!
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? He wanted a license to thrill without the emissions!
Why did James Bond start a band? He wanted to play secret agent music!
What did James Bond say when he got a bad haircut? I guess I’ll just have to live and let dye.
Why did James Bond open a smoothie shop? Because he loved his drinks “shaken, not stirred”!
What do you call it when James Bond skips his morning coffee? A shaken, not stirred, start to the day!
Why did James Bond get a job at the clock factory? He wanted to keep a close eye on “Q” time!
Why did James Bond start working at the circus? He heard they had a license to trapeze!
What does James Bond do when he gets a computer virus? He opens a can of Spy-ware!
Why did James Bond become a magician? He wanted to master the art of disappearing just like his enemies!
Why did James Bond start a gardening business? He wanted a license to trim and thrill!
Why did James Bond become a surgeon? He wanted to make sure his patients were shaken, not stirred.
Why did James Bond always order his martinis shaken, not stirred? Because he wanted to keep the bartender on their toes!
Why did James Bond hate online shopping? Because he preferred his gadgets to come with a “Q”-R code!
How does James Bond iron his clothes? With a “License to Press”!
Why did James Bond always wear a tuxedo? Because it was his secret agent attire.
What did James Bond say when he lost a game of poker? “Looks like I’m shaken and not stirred tonight!”
Why did James Bond get his car detailed? He wanted it shaken, not stirred!
Why did James Bond go to the amusement park? He wanted a license to thrill!
Why did James Bond become a baker? Because he loved working with “double-oh dough”!
Why did James Bond become an archaeologist? He was always good at unearthing secrets!
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? Because he wanted to feel like he was in charge of a “Bond”-volt!
Why did James Bond take his car to the mechanic? It had too many spy-der problems!
What did James Bond say when he found out he was lactose intolerant? “No more shaken milkshakes for me!”
Why did James Bond go to therapy? He had too many unresolved MI6 issues!
Why did James Bond become a chef? He knew how to make a mean secret sauce!
What does James Bond say when he orders a martini at a bar? “Shaken, not stirred, and with a double agent twist!”
What did James Bond say to the bartender at the casino? “I’ll take a Martini, shaken, not stirred… and make it a double, I’m feeling lucky tonight!”
Why did James Bond refuse to play pool? He didn’t want to risk getting shaken, not stirred.
What did James Bond say when he took his car to the mechanic? “Q, can you fix this in time for my next chase scene?”
Why did James Bond refuse to drink tea? He preferred his drinks shaken, not stirred!
Why did James Bond start a garden? He wanted to grow his own secret agents, aka double O peas!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? In case he needed to take notes on his next mission!
Why did James Bond become a magician? He was a master at disappearing acts!
Why did James Bond become an artist? He wanted to draw out the villain’s true colors!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 07!
What does James Bond say to the bartender when ordering a drink? “Make it a shaken, not stirred, but be quick, I have a villain to catch!”
What do you call James Bond when he’s doing the laundry? Suds McKenzie!
Why did James Bond order his martini shaken, not stirred? Because he wanted to make sure the bartender was paying attention!
Why did James Bond join the circus? He wanted to master the art of undercover operations.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? In case he needed to write a quick note before escaping an exploding building!
Why did James Bond become a tailor? Because he loved to give his clients “bondage” suits!
What did James Bond say when he accidentally dropped his passport in the river? I guess I’m a secret agent now, since my cover’s blown.
What did James Bond say to the bartender when he ordered a martini? “Shaken, not stirred, and hold the poison!”
Why did James Bond start an herb garden? He wanted to have a license to dill!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of music? Spy-fi, of course!
What did James Bond say when he saw the bartender mixing a cocktail? “Shaken, not stirred… and don’t forget the olives!”
Why did James Bond become a baker? Because he kneads to be Bond, doughn’t he?
Why did James Bond go to the therapist? He needed help with his commitment issues. The therapist said, “007 sessions should be enough!”
What do you call James Bond on a hot day? 007 degrees!
What did James Bond say when he stubbed his toe? “Ouch, that’s a Spectre-cular pain!”
Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he likes his missions well done!
Why did James Bond visit the bakery? He heard they had the best spy-derman cake!
Why did James Bond order a pizza? He wanted it shaken, not stirred!
What did James Bond say when he got a job at a bakery? “I’m on a mission to uncover the secrets of the dough!”
Why did James Bond become a chef? He knew how to turn ordinary scrambled eggs into a top-secret omelette.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? Because he believed the pen is mightier than the sword-fight!
What do you call James Bond playing a saxophone? A License to Trill!
Why did James Bond join a baseball team? Because he wanted to be a secret pitcher!
Why did James Bond refuse to go bungee jumping? He prefers his life not to have any strings attached!
Why did James Bond always win at poker? Because he always had a License to Shuffle!
Why did James Bond never become a doctor? He didn’t want to have a license to heal!
Why did James Bond join the gym? To stay fit and chase the ladies, while still keeping his “secret” identity!
What does James Bond do when he’s bored? He goes undercover!
Why did James Bond always carry a toothpick? In case he needed to remove a microchip from his martini.
What does James Bond say when he enters a bakery? “I’ll take a license to fill!”
What do you call a group of James Bond fans? A double-oh heaven!
Why did James Bond become an accountant? Because he was tired of living on 00!
Why did James Bond go to the supermarket? He needed to get his Licence to Chill!
Why did James Bond start working at a pet store? He wanted to bond with all the animals.
Why did James Bond refuse to wear a mask during the pandemic? Because he likes to live and let die!
Why did James Bond take up knitting? He wanted to make himself a secret sweater!
Why did James Bond get kicked out of the library? He couldn’t keep his spy novels on a hush-hush.
Why did James Bond switch to an electric car? He wanted to be eco-friendly while chasing villains!
Why did James Bond become an artist? Because he wanted to master the art of “spy”der diagrams!
What does James Bond call his favorite dessert? 00-heaven!
What do you call James Bond wearing flip flops? License to chill!
Why did James Bond break up with his girlfriend? She couldn’t handle his double entendres.
Why did James Bond always carry a pen with him? Because he wanted to “write” his own destiny!
How does James Bond like his eggs in the morning? Scrambled, not shaken!
What did James Bond say to the bartender who asked for his ID? “Sorry, I’m licensed to thrill.”
Why does James Bond prefer to travel alone? Because he likes to keep his “007” personal!
Why did James Bond always carry a pen and paper? He liked to take notes on his missions, but he never had a license to Bill!
What did James Bond say to the tailor? “I need a secret pocket for my spy gadgets, and make sure it’s bulletproof!”
Why did James Bond switch to a plant-based diet? He heard it’s a good way to keep his MI6-pack abs!
Why did James Bond go to the therapist? Because he had commitment issues; he couldn’t even say “I spy with my little eye” without getting anxious!
Why does James Bond always carry a pen? In case he needs to sign any “Bond” checks!
Why did James Bond visit the zoo? He wanted to see if the lions had a license to kill!
Why did James Bond become an accountant? He wanted to save the world one tax return at a time!
Why did James Bond become a zookeeper? He wanted to work with “Octopussy” cats!
What did James Bond say to the bartender? I’ll have a Martini, shaken, not stirred, and hold the olives. I’m on a low-carb diet!
Why does James Bond always win at poker? Because he has the best “007” hand!
Why does James Bond never lose at poker? Because he always has a “007” up his sleeve!
Why did James Bond refuse to use email for his top-secret messages? He believed in the power of “007-mail”!
Why did James Bond never join the circus? He didn’t want to give away his undercover skills as a tightrope walker!
What do you call a dog that can do secret agent work? James Bondage!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of cheese? Double-O Cheddar!
What did James Bond say when he ran out of coffee? “I guess it’s time for some spycam tea!”
Why was James Bond always calm during high-pressure situations? Because he was licensed to chill!
Why did James Bond refuse to play cards with the other spies? He didn’t like being under Surveillance!
Why did James Bond always wear a tuxedo? Because he wanted to be licensed to frill!
What do you call it when James Bond visits a casino in France? A license to frill!
What did James Bond say to the bartender at the casino? “I’ll have a Martini. Shaken, not stirred. And a winning hand, please!”
Why did James Bond become a hairdresser? He wanted to give everyone a license to dye!
What did James Bond say when he spilled his drink? I guess I’ve shaken and spilled!
Why did James Bond always carry a hairdryer? Because he needed to make sure his martinis were “dry”!
What do you call James Bond when he’s running late? Bond, James Bond!
Why did James Bond order his martinis shaken, not stirred? Because he wanted to show off his fancy cocktail skills.
Why did James Bond refuse to use the elevator? He wanted to take the stairs, spy-style!
What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of pizza? Double O Cheesy.
What does James Bond do when he’s running late? He takes a quantum of solace.
What do you call James Bond when he’s on a diet? A Slim Spy!
Why did James Bond get a pet fish? Because it was a master of disguise, just like him!

James Bond Joke Generator

Struggling to craft the perfect James Bond joke can sometimes feel like a mission impossible.

(No, wrong franchise, but you get the point.)

That’s where our FREE James Bond Joke Generator swoops in to save the day.

Engineered to blend witty punchlines, sophisticated humor, and tantalizing wordplay, it creates jokes that are guaranteed to leave your audience shaken, not stirred.

Don’t let your humor become as cold as a rogue agent.

Use our joke generator to create jokes that are as slick and captivating as the world’s favorite spy himself.

FAQs About James Bond Jokes

Why are James Bond jokes so popular?

James Bond jokes have an enduring appeal due to the iconic status of the James Bond franchise.

They play on popular elements from the series such as the catchphrases, the gadgets, and Bond’s reputation as a suave and unstoppable secret agent.

Can James Bond jokes help in social situations?

Definitely!

James Bond jokes can be a great conversation starter, especially among fans of the franchise.

They can help lighten the mood and provide a shared point of interest or amusement.

How can I come up with my own James Bond jokes?

Start by familiarising yourself with the series – the films, the books, and the main character traits of James Bond.
Look for unique phrases or catchphrases associated with Bond, such as shaken, not stirred, Bond, James Bond, or license to kill. These can often be twisted into a humorous context.
Consider the elements of Bond that might seem absurd or exaggerated, such as his invincibility, charm, or the elaborate villain plots. These can provide good material for jokes.
Try to think of puns or wordplay involving the names of characters, places, or gadgets from the Bond universe.

Are there any tips for remembering James Bond jokes?

To remember James Bond jokes, try associating them with specific films, scenes, or characters from the franchise.

Visualizing the joke in the context of a memorable Bond moment can make it easier to recall.

How can I make my James Bond jokes better?

Making a good James Bond joke is all about timing and context.

Try to surprise your audience with the punchline and make the joke relevant to the conversation.

Additionally, the more you know about the James Bond franchise, the more material you will have to draw from.

How does the James Bond Joke Generator work?

Our James Bond Joke Generator is a fantastic resource for quick and witty Bond-related humor.

Just enter a keyword related to your desired joke theme or situation, then hit Generate Jokes.

Within seconds, you’ll have a collection of hilarious Bond-themed jokes at your disposal.

Is the James Bond Joke Generator free?

Yes, our James Bond Joke Generator is completely free to use.

You can generate as many Bond jokes as you need, perfect for keeping your conversations lively and entertaining.

Dive into the world of Bond and keep the laughs coming.

Conclusion

James Bond jokes are a thrilling way to add a little excitement to everyday conversations, making life more entertaining with each laugh.

From the quick and clever to the elaborate and hilarious, there’s a James Bond joke for every occasion.

So next time you’re watching a James Bond movie or sipping a martini, remember, there’s humor to be found in every chase scene, secret code, and shaken-not-stirred catchphrase.

Keep sharing the chuckles, and let the good times spy and fly.

Because after all, a day without laughter is like a day without James Bond—unimaginable and, frankly, a bit less adventurous.

Happy joking, everyone!

007 Jokes for a License to Laugh

Villain Jokes to Embrace Your Inner Bad Guy

Aston Martin Jokes That Drive the Humor Home

Spy Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Undercover

Martini Jokes That Will Shake Up Your Laughter