577 Calendar Jokes That Unleash the Humor in Every Season

If you’ve landed here, it means you’re ready to dive into the realm of calendar jokes.

Not just any jokes, but the prime of the punchlines.

That’s why we’ve compiled a list of the most hilarious calendar jokes.

From year-round puns to timely one-liners, our assortment has a joke for every day of the year.

So, let’s flip through the pages of calendar humor, one joke at a time.

Contents show

Calendar Jokes

Calendar jokes have a timeless appeal that can tickle your funny bone any day of the year.

They’re not just about the days and dates, but also about the human behaviors, habits, and amusing quirks related to them.

From the scramble to buy a new calendar for the New Year to the confusion of remembering which day it is, calendars provide plenty of fodder for laughs.

Crafting a hilarious calendar joke involves clever wordplay, unexpected twists, and often the universal feeling of time passing us by (like when we still write the previous year instead of the new one).

Ready to have a good day, every day?

Mark your calendars for laughter with these calendar jokes:

Why did the calendar get into a fight? Because it wanted to go down in history.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “You’ve got a lot of appointments ahead of you!”
Why did the calendar start working out? It wanted to get in shape for the next year.
Why did the calendar apply for a job? Because it wanted to work 9 to 5 and have weekends off.
Why did the calendar become a detective? It always had a date for solving mysteries.
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a diet? It just couldn’t resist all those dates!
Why don’t calendars get invited to parties? Because they just hang around all year.
What did the calendar say to the clock? We really need to work together, time is flying by!
Why did the calendar always feel lonely? It didn’t have any dates to go out with.
Why did the calendar go on a diet? It wanted to lose weight in time for the new year.
Why did the calendar go to the amusement park? Because it wanted to have a rollercoaster of emotions.
Why did the calendar go broke? It couldn’t save a single day!
Why did the calendar start a band? It wanted to make some timely music.
What do you call a calendar that’s friends with everyone? Popular dates.
What did the calendar say to the clock? You tick me off all the time!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? I’m really looking forward to our future dates!
How does a calendar stay cool? It uses monthspray.
Why did the calendar get kicked out of school? It couldn’t keep its months in order!
Why did the calendar apply for a job at the bakery? Because it knew how to roll with the dough!
Why do calendars hate backpacks? Because they always get carried away!
What did the calendar say to its therapist? “I feel like my days are all mixed up!”
Why did the calendar join a band? Because it had days to count on.
What did the calendar say to its friend who was always late? “You’re really pushing my buttons!”
Why was the calendar always losing weight? Because it kept shedding pounds!
Why did the calendar go on vacation? It needed some time off to relax its dates.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “You’re looking sharp!”
Why did the calendar refuse to eat dessert? It couldn’t handle the extra dates!
Why was the calendar so good at math? It had plenty of dates to count.
Why did the calendar go to school? It wanted to learn about all the important dates in history.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “You’ve got a lot of nerve ticking me off.” .
Why did the calendar refuse to play cards? Because it always got overwhelmed by all the dates.
Why did the calendar get in trouble? It forgot its days and was sentenced to a year in jail.
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? Because it didn’t want to get caught up in any time-consuming relationships!
What did the calendar say to the timepiece? “I always have a date, but you’re just ticking.”
What did the calendar say to the new year? “I’m looking forward to spending time with you!”
Why did the calendar start its own business? Because it wanted to make every day count.
What did the grape say to the calendar? “I’m gonna make a date with you!”
Why did the calendar refuse to jump off the cliff? Because its days were numbered.
Why did the calendar start working out? It wanted to get ripped and have a shredded physique!
Why did the calendar get in trouble at school? It couldn’t keep its dates straight!
Why did the calendar enroll in a dance class? Because it wanted to learn how to waltz through the days.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “You’re number 2 around here!”
Why did the calendar go to the party alone? Because all its dates were canceled!
Why did the calendar go broke? It couldn’t keep up with all the dates.
Why was the calendar always unhappy? Because it had too many appointments!
Why did the calendar bring a ladder? Because it heard the days were numbered.
Why did the calendar apply for a job? It wanted to work nine to five days a week!
Why was the calendar always so calm? Because it had its days all lined up.
What did the calendar say to the pen? I can’t wait to see how this day unfolds!
Why did the calendar hire a lawyer? Because it had too many years to defend!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? I’ve got a date with destiny!
What’s a calendar’s favorite type of music? Rock and roll, because it has so many gigs!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? Because it didn’t want to be pressured for a commitment.
Why don’t calendars trust each other? They always seem to be two-faced!
Why did the calendar get in a fight? It had a date with destiny and didn’t show up.
What do you get if you cross a calendar with a roller coaster? A year full of ups and downs.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the calendar start working out? Because it heard it needed to improve its dates.
Why do calendars always win at poker? Because they have all the dates in their hands!
Why was the calendar always running late? It couldn’t keep its appointments!
What did one calendar say to the other when they bumped into each other? “Sorry, I didn’t mean to start a new year off on a bad date!”
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the party? Because it heard it was going to be a date night.
Why did the calendar get in trouble at work? It called in sick, but it was still on everyone’s schedules.
Why did the calendar always feel lonely? Because it couldn’t find a date.
What do you get if you cross a calendar and a rollercoaster? A date that goes really fast.
Why did the calendar get into a fight? It couldn’t keep its months shut.
Why did the calendar join a gym? It wanted to get in shape for the summer months.
Why was the calendar always happy? Because it had a lot of dates to look forward to!
What did the calendar say to its friend? “I can’t wait to hang out with you!”
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m always on top of things, but you’re just ticking me off!”
Why did the calendar get in a fight with the alarm clock? Because it wanted to call it a day!
What’s the calendar’s favorite song? “Sunday, Monday, Happy Days!”
What do you call a group of calendar enthusiasts? A time well spent!
Why did the calendar become a detective? It wanted to solve the mystery of the missing days!
Why did the calendar always carry a pencil? In case it needed to make a date change.
Why was the calendar not invited to the party? It had a date with destiny!
What did the calendar say when it got a job? “I’ll be working days, nights, and weekends!”
Why did the calendar get into a fight? It didn’t want to turn the page on the argument!
Why did the calendar get a job as a tour guide? It always knew the dates of historical events!
Why did the calendar start doing stand-up comedy? It had a lot of great dates to share.
Why did the calendar go broke? It lost all its dates in the stock market.
Why did the calendar go to the comedy club? It wanted to watch the stand-up routine of the week.
Why did the calendar get in a fight? Because it lost track of the days!
Why was the calendar so good at making New Year’s resolutions? It always turned over a new leaf!
What do you call a calendar that can’t stop eating? A binge day planner!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a diet? It was convinced that time would just keep adding extra days.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “You’re always running late!”
Why was the calendar cold? Because it left its dates out in the winter!
Why did the calendar refuse to join a dating site? It didn’t want to get its dates mixed up!
Why don’t scientists trust calendars? Because they always change their dates!
Why did the calendar take a vacation? Because it needed some time off!
Why did the calendar break up with its partner? They were no longer on the same page, date-wise.
What did the calendar say to the thermometer? “You really measure up!”
Why did the calendar ask for a raise? Because its days were getting longer and harder to handle.
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? Because it felt like it was just going through the motions.
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It said it needed more space and time to itself.
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? “I’m not flipping through this again, I need a break!”
Why did the calendar join a band? It had the perfect rhythm with its days!

Short Calendar Jokes

Short calendar jokes are like a surprise holiday – unexpected, delightful, and always bringing a smile to your face.

These jokes are perfect for spicing up your daily conversations, adding a playful twist to your social media posts, or even as a light-hearted ice breaker at a gathering.

The charm of short calendar jokes lies in their ability to combine wit and timing, delivering a punchline that hits just the right note of humor.

And now, without further ado!

Here are short calendar jokes that promise to fill your day with laughter, no matter what date it is.

What do calendars do when they’re in love? They go on dates!
Why did the calendar refuse to go skydiving? It needed more time.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “Time’s running out!”
Why was the calendar always tired? It had too many sleepless nights!
Why was the calendar cold? It forgot to turn up the heat!
Why did the calendar become an artist? It loved drawing dates!
Why did the calendar bring an umbrella? In case it rained dates.
Why did the calendar eat a clock? It wanted to have seconds!
Why do calendars make great comedians? They have good timing.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? Let’s make a date.
Why did the calendar run away? It couldn’t take the days anymore.
What do calendars sing at a birthday party? “Auld Lang Sync!”
What do you call a calendar that’s unhappy? A sad date!
Why did the calendar bring a ladder? To climb the days!
Why did the calendar quit its job? It needed some time off.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “Don’t waste my time!”
Why was the calendar always successful? It knew how to plan ahead.
How does a calendar greet its friends? With a new year hug!
Why did the calendar win the math contest? It always has dates!
Why did the calendar make terrible decisions? It was always behind!
Why did the calendar try stand-up comedy? It had great timing!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “You’re pointless without me!”
Why did the calendar win the race? It had good dates!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “I’m just marking time!”
What’s a calendar’s favorite type of music? A cappella!
What do calendars eat? Dates, of course!
What did the calendar say to January 1st? Nice to meet you!
What do you call a calendar that’s afraid to commit? A commitment-phobe!
What did the calendar say to its hungry owner? “I’m days behind!”
What’s a calendar’s favorite song? “Days of the Week” by The Beatles!
What do calendars eat for breakfast? Dates and cereal!
What do you call a calendar that’s always late? A procrastinator!
What kind of calendar can’t be trusted? A dishonest timetable!
Why was the calendar such a good musician? It had perfect timing!
Why was the calendar always so organized? It had good time-management skills!

Calendar Jokes One-Liners

Calendar one-liner jokes are the epitome of humor delivered in a timely and succinct manner.

They’re like turning the page to a new month on a calendar – refreshing, surprising, and always expected, yet somehow still unexpected.

Creating a great calendar one-liner involves a mix of wit, imagination, and a deep understanding of the delicate dance between time and humor.

The challenge lies in crafting the setup and punchline within a single, concise sentence, leaving a lasting impression with just a few words.

May these calendar one-liners help you mark your days with laughter:

I got in trouble for stealing a calendar, but I got off with just a monthly sentence.
My calendar doesn’t judge me, but it definitely keeps track of my days.
My calendar is so old, it’s got a separate section for dinosaurs.
Why did the calendar refuse to go to therapy? It said it was just going through a phase.
I wanted to become a calendar designer, but I just couldn’t get my days straight.
I asked my calendar for a date, but it said it was too busy.
I asked the calendar out, but it said its days were numbered.
My calendar is so old, it only has four days: yesterday, today, tomorrow, and someday.
I asked my calendar if it wanted to go on a date. It said, “Sorry, I’m booked!”
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It thought the relationship was too time-consuming.
My calendar told me I have a busy week ahead, but I’m pretty sure it’s just trying to fill up its own schedule.
Why did the calendar always feel anxious? Because it was afraid of running out of days!
What did the calendar say to the date who stood him up? “You’re not my type anyway.”
I asked my calendar for a vacation, but it said it’s always busy.
Why did the calendar become a stand-up comedian? Because it had too many jokes for just one day!
I told my calendar I needed more time, but it just laughed and said, “Sorry, I’m all booked up.”
I’m friends with all 12 months, but January and February are just too cold-hearted.
Why did the calendar file a police report? It felt like its days were being stolen.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? I’m a big fan of your dates.
I tried to make a calendar, but I lost track of time.
What did the calendar say to the pen? “I can’t wait for our future together!”
I have a calendar that’s afraid of heights. It’s always on the ground floor.
I bought a calendar, but all the pages were blank. It was useless, I couldn’t find a date.
Why did the calendar go to school? Because it wanted to learn about the past and future dates!
I’m friends with my calendar because we both love dates.
Why did the calendar get arrested? It was caught for running out of dates.
My calendar fell in love with the clock, but they broke up because they didn’t have enough time for each other.
Why did the calendar go broke? It spent all its dates on bad investments.
I can never trust my calendar because it’s always trying to change the dates on me.
My calendar said it’s a leap year, so I tried to jump over it.
I hate it when my calendar judges me for skipping leg day.
I tried to book an appointment with the calendar, but it said it was always booked.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “Time flies when you’re having fun!”
What did the calendar say to its therapist? I’m feeling so boxed in.
My calendar keeps asking me if I’m busy, I guess it doesn’t trust my memory.
My calendar is a real player – it’s always flirting with the days of the week.
I tried to date my calendar, but it kept flipping me off.
Why did the calendar get in trouble? Because it was caught daydreaming!
I tried to make a calendar, but I couldn’t find the time to finish it.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
What did the calendar say to its date? “I can’t wait to see you again next year!”
I bought a calendar that only has pictures of chickens. It’s fowl play.
Why don’t scientists trust calendars? Because they always have too many dates and too little chemistry.
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? Because they had different schedules!
I asked my calendar if it wanted to go for a jog, but it said it was too day-zed.
I asked my calendar for a date, but it just gave me a day of the week instead.
My calendar keeps making plans for me, but I never seem to have the time.
Why did the calendar always feel lonely? Because it was always day-dreaming!
What did the calendar say to the clock? I’ve got too many dates, but you’re always ticking me off!
I got a job at the calendar factory, but I couldn’t figure out what the dates were for.
Why did the calendar get in trouble at school? It was caught skipping days.
I tried to make a calendar with my printer, but it kept jamming. Looks like it couldn’t handle the dates.
My calendar’s idea of a wild night is going from Saturday to Sunday without any sleep.
I asked my calendar for a vacation day, but it said it was booked solid!
Why did the calendar get arrested? Because it had too many dates marked as holidays.
I wanted to make a joke about leap years, but I need more time to think.
I told my calendar a joke, but it didn’t laugh. It said all the days are “numb”ers.
What did the calendar say when it got divorced? “I guess our days are numbered.”
I was going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
My calendar is always filled with appointments. It needs therapy for its commitment issues.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough so I took a day off on the “roll”ing pin calendar.
I got a job at a calendar factory, but I only lasted a month.
Why don’t calendars ever go on dates? Because they prefer to be single and independent.
My calendar keeps making mistakes. I think it’s trying to plan my life according to leap years.
Why did the calendar join a gym? Because it wanted to stay in shape all year round!
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I bought a calendar with all the days of the week, but it turns out they’re not in order. Talk about a mix-up.
Why did the calendar have a midlife crisis? Because it realized it was running out of time!
What do you call a calendar that can’t play football? A bench warmer!
I asked my calendar for a date, but it told me to stop being so needy and just let the days come naturally.
I bought a calendar for my dog, but he still can’t read it.
I wanted to make a calendar, but I couldn’t find the right dates.
I don’t trust atoms, they make up everything on the calendar.
I tried to make a calendar but got all the months mixed up. It was a year in the making.
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? It heard it was a date it couldn’t save.
My calendar is more like a math book. I keep adding problems, but the answers never seem to add up.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “We always seem to be running out of time!”
What did the calendar say at the end of a long day? “I’m ready to turn over a new leaf.”
I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking a few days off.
My new calendar is great, it’s full of dates!
I tried to make my own calendar, but I couldn’t find the right dates. Turns out, they were on vacation.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? Because it already had enough appointments!
I tried to make a homemade calendar but I couldn’t figure out how to make the months change. It’s just March all the time now.
Why did the calendar become a motivational speaker? It knew how to make every day count.
I tried to make a calendar for procrastinators, but I never got around to it.
My new calendar just arrived, but all the dates are blank. It must be the latest edition of “Procrastinator’s Monthly.”
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? “I’m just here for a good time, not a long time!”
I tried to make a calendar but couldn’t figure out how to schedule the “weekend” button!
I got a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired. All the days were numbered!
Why was the calendar not invited to the party? Because it always wanted to be the center of attention!
I bought a calendar that only has Sundays on it. It’s called “Weekend at a Glance.”
I challenged my calendar to a game of chess, but it said it only plays checkered.
I asked my calendar if it could lend me a pen, but it said it didn’t have the time.
I told my calendar a joke, but it just gave me a blank day.
Why did the calendar start a cooking class? Because it wanted to learn how to make dates.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
My new calendar keeps telling me to make time for myself. I guess it knows I’m a clock watcher.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “I’m ready to go on a date!”
My therapist told me I had a calendar obsession, but I told her it’s just a date thing.
Why did the calendar quit its job? It didn’t have enough days off!
I told my boss I needed a raise because my calendar days were getting shorter.
I accidentally tore my calendar, so now I have a monthly planner.
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? Because it couldn’t keep up with its schedule.
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the gym? It heard it had too many dates with sweat.
Why did the calendar start a fight? It wanted to start something day-zing.
What did the calendar say when it won the marathon? “I really know how to stay on track.”
I wanted to make a calendar with my dog’s pictures, but it turned out to be a ruff draft.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
I bought a new calendar but it’s missing a few days. Turns out it’s a weekender calendar.
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? Because it heard it would be a week affair!
I got a job at a calendar factory, but I couldn’t take any time off.
I tried to make a calendar, but all the months kept running away from me.
What do you call a calendar’s favorite type of music? A-Timetable!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
I bought a calendar with all my favorite actors, but it turned out to be a flop because they were all past their prime.
Why did the calendar go to the beach? Because it wanted to soak up some sun-days!
Why did the calendar get into a fight? Because it wanted to square off with Father Time!
Did you hear about the calendar who got promoted? It was finally moving up in the world!
I asked my calendar if we could hang out, but it said it was booked.
I tried to write a book about calendars, but I just couldn’t find the right dates.
I tried to make a calendar joke, but all the good ones were taken days ago.
I asked the calendar if it wanted to go out for lunch, but it said it already had a date!
Why did the calendar always carry a map? Because it wanted to find its dates!
I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
My calendar’s days are numbered, quite literally.
Why did the calendar start a band? It knew how to keep the beat.
I bought a calendar, but all the pages were blank. It must have been a waste of time!
I asked my calendar if it wanted to go out, but it said it’s strictly days for now.
Why did the calendar hire a lawyer? It needed someone to handle its schedule.
I asked my calendar for a date, but it didn’t have any available.
Why was the calendar always running late? Because it had too many dates to keep up with!
My calendar asked me to stop dating multiple people at once. It said it couldn’t handle the overlapping dates!
I got a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “I’ve got a lot of dates, can you handle it?”
I wanted to quit my job at the calendar factory, but I thought I’d stick it out for one more year.
My calendar is so popular, it has a lot of dates.
I bought a calendar, but all the dates were missing. It was pointless!
My calendar asked me why I never take it out on dates. I told it I’m just not ready for a monthly commitment.
Why did the calendar join the circus? It wanted to hang out with the dates.
I used to have a fear of calendars, but I turned the page.
My calendar told me I have big plans for the future, but I think it’s just trying to fill up space.
What did one calendar say to the other? “I’m so ahead of my time!”
Why was the calendar so good at math? Because it had 12 months, but it always knew when to change the date!
What do you call a calendar that’s had enough? Outdated!
I bought a calendar that was missing the month of May, I couldn’t understand why.
Why did the calendar always win at poker? Because it had all the dates up its sleeve!

Calendar Dad Jokes

Calendar dad jokes are the epitome of timeless humor, bringing together puns and hilarity that will cause both groans and chuckles simultaneously.

These are the type of jokes that are so cheesy, they’re actually brilliant.

Ideal for family get-togethers, mealtime chats, or just to bring a bit of laughter to someone’s day.

Prepare for the eye rolls and hearty laughs.

Here are some calendar dad jokes that are bound to keep you entertained:

What did the calendar say to the clock? “You’re just a minute hand, I’ve got dates for years!”
Why was the math book sad on the first day of school? Because it had too many problems.
Why was the calendar so good at basketball? Because it always knew how to dribble!
Why did the calendar start taking karate lessons? It wanted to learn how to properly kick out the days!
Why did the calendar become a teacher? It wanted to help students keep track of the days!
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? Don’t worry, I always have a date with you!
Why did the calendar wear headphones? Because it wanted to listen to its favorite dates.
Why did the calendar go to the doctor? Because it was feeling a little out of date.
Why did the calendar win an award? Because it was outstanding in its field!
Why did the calendar get promoted at work? Because it had outstanding dates.
Why did the calendar get into a fight with the clock? Because they both wanted to be the center of attention!
Why did the calendar win an award? Because it always stayed ahead of the times!
Why did the scarecrow become a calendar model? Because it was outstanding in its field!
Why was the calendar always running late? Because it kept skipping days!
Why did the calendar start taking martial arts classes? Because it wanted to learn how to kickbox its way through the days.
What did the calendar say to the clock? We sure do have a lot of dates in common.
Why did the calendar win an award? Because it had the best days of its life!
Why do calendars hate dates? Because they can’t stand the commitment.
Why did the calendar go to the doctor? Because it had too many appointments.
Why did the calendar go to the spa? It needed some relaxation and a little “me” time!
Why did the calendar win an award? Because it had all the dates covered!
What do you call a dinosaur with a great memory? A dino-sore!
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? Sorry, I can’t commit to anything more than a month!
What do you call a calendar that’s always getting into trouble? A repeat offender.
Why did the calendar become a stand-up comedian? Because it had a lot of good material to work with – dates!
Why did the calendar win the math contest? Because it always knew how to count the days.
What did the calendar say to the clock at their wedding? “I can’t wait to spend every minute with you!”
Why did the calendar bring a calculator to the party? It wanted to count down the minutes until midnight!
Why do calendars always win at poker? They always have a good poker face.
Why did the calendar go to the gym? Because it wanted to get in shape for the New Year!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “I’m days away from your point.”
Why did the calendar become a chef? Because it always knew the perfect dates for recipes.
Why was the calendar cold? Because it forgot its dates and had to go back to winter.
Why did the calendar get arrested? Because it had a lot of dates marked as “red” on its schedule!
Why did the calendar get promoted? Because it had great organization skills and always stayed on schedule!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? I’m feeling a little dated!
What did the calendar say to its math teacher? “I really need to improve my counting skills!”
Why did the calendar join a support group? Because it felt overwhelmed by all the days!
Why was the calendar such a good comedian? Because it always knew how to deliver a good punchline!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m always up for a good time.”
Why was the calendar always running late? Because it took too many days off!
What did the calendar say to the watch? “Don’t worry, we’re all on the same page!”
Why did the calendar join a gym? To stay in shape and keep all its dates in order.
Why did the calendar join a gym? It wanted to lose some weight – specifically, a few months!
Why did the calendar refuse to play cards? Because it didn’t want to get dealt a bad date!
Why did the calendar get in trouble at school? Because it forgot its days of the week!
Why was the calendar always happy? It knew how to stay in the present!
What’s a calendar’s favorite type of music? Rhythm and Blues Days!
Why did the calendar become a chef? Because it knew how to make the perfect date!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “We should go on more dates!”
Why did the calendar feel unappreciated? Because no one ever gave it a date for Valentine’s Day.
What did one calendar say to the other when they couldn’t agree on a date? “Let’s just call it a day!”
What did the calendar say to the computer? “My days are numbered!”
Why did the calendar get into a fight? Because it had too many deadlines to meet!
Why did the calendar go to the beach? Because it needed a little time off!
Why did the calendar get in trouble at school? It forgot the dates of all the important events!
Why did the calendar bring a ladder to its appointment? Because it heard it was going to have a busy schedule!
What did the calendar say to its date when it was feeling stressed? “I need some time off!”
Why did the calendar file a police report? Because it had too many days!
Why did the calendar go to school? To learn how to organize its days better!
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire on a calendar? Frostbite!
Why did the calendar write a book? Because it had a lot of history to cover.
Why did the calendar become a professional athlete? Because it could always keep track of the dates!
Why did the calendar go to the doctor? Because it needed a check-up on its days!
Why was the calendar always happy? It had too many dates to celebrate.
Why was the calendar always so friendly? Because it had a lot of dates to remember and couldn’t afford to make enemies.
Why did the calendar start a band? Because it had great rhythm and dates!
Why did the calendar get arrested? Because it violated all the dates.
Why did the calendar take a break? Because its days were numbered.
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It couldn’t handle all the second-guessing!
Why did the calendar always feel lucky? Because it knew it had 365 opportunities every year!
What did one calendar say to the other? I don’t think we’re on the same page.
What’s a calendar’s favorite exercise? Dates squats!
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the party? Because it already had plans to hang out with its days!
Why did the calendar take up a career in comedy? Because it had a lot of good dates!
Why did the calendar start a fight? Because it didn’t have enough days off.
Why did the calendar become a chef? Because it knew all the seasons!
Why did the calendar refuse to go to any parties? Because it didn’t want to start a new year with a hangover!
Why did the calendar start telling jokes? Because it wanted to have a date with laughter!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a diet? Because it didn’t want to lose any weight!
Why did the calendar go broke? It ran out of days to make ends meet.
Why did the calendar start a band? Because it had a lot of dates and wanted to make some good memories.
Why don’t calendars go on dates? Because they prefer hanging out in months!
Why did the calendar become a chef? Because it knew how to break down a day into minutes.
Why did the calendar start working as a DJ? It wanted to mix up the beats and keep the party going all year long.
Why did the calendar start doing yoga? Because it wanted to keep its days flexible!
Why do calendars make terrible comedians? Because their days are numbered.
What do you call a calendar that’s out of shape? A flabby year!
Why did the calendar become a professional photographer? Because it always knew how to capture the perfect moment!
Why did the calendar take up painting? Because it wanted to create some colorful days!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? It didn’t want to be a month too soon or a month too late.
Why did the calendar make a great detective? Because it always kept track of dates and solved mysteries!
What did the calendar say to its friend? “I’m always up to date!”
What did the calendar say to the day that had too many responsibilities? “Don’t worry, I’ll help you stay organized. We’re in this together!”
Why did the calendar start taking yoga classes? It wanted to stay flexible and keep its days in order.
Did you hear about the calendar’s new job? It had to start working days and dates.
Why did the calendar go to therapy? It needed some dates to work through its issues.
Why was the calendar good at making decisions? Because it always knew the right time!
What’s a calendar’s favorite music genre? A-countdown-try.
How does a calendar eat? It goes back four seconds!
Why did the calendar quit its job? It didn’t have enough time for a social life.
Why did the calendar refuse to play cards? It didn’t want to deal with all the suits.
What did the calendar say to its date? I’m ready to flip for you!

Calendar Jokes for Kids

Calendar jokes for kids are the ticklish tick-tocks in the world of humor—light, engaging, and always a hit with the little ones.

These jokes help children to engage their minds with the concept of time, days, months and seasons, sparking an interest in learning that’s as consistent as the changing dates on a calendar.

Plus, calendar jokes for kids have the added bonus of making learning about dates, holidays and seasons enjoyable, transforming an ordinary calendar hanging on the wall into a source of joy and laughter.

Ready for some timeless fun?

Here are the jokes that will have them laughing through the days, weeks, and months ahead:

What did one calendar say to the other calendar? “I feel like I’m always days away from Friday!”
What did one calendar say to the other calendar? “I feel like I’m just going through the motions.” .
Why was the calendar always out of shape? Because it went on too many dates!
What’s a calendar’s favorite dance move? The “Month-to-Month”!
What did the calendar say to the math book? “I’ve got too many dates, can you help me count?”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the calendar? “Sweeping up time!”
Why did the calendar take a nap? It needed a little rest and date!
What do calendars wear on the beach? Flip-flops! They like to be in a flip-flop date!
Why was the calendar a great detective? It always knew the dates!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m always up to date, but you’re just ticking away!”
Why did the calendar always get into trouble at school? Because its days were numbered!
Why did the calendar have such a hard time making decisions? It always needed a second date!
Why did the calendar want to join a band? Because it wanted to play the dates!
Why did the calendar go to school? To become a date!
Why did the calendar become a firefighter? Because it knows how to handle dates!
Why did the calendar always feel lonely? Because it felt like its days were numbered!
What type of calendar is very popular? A hands-on calendar!
Why did the calendar quit its job? Because it felt like it was always working overtime!
Why did the calendar win the race? Because it had a lot of dates to keep up with!
Why did the calendar refuse to play cards? It was afraid of getting dealt a bad hand!
What did the calendar say to its friend? “I’m always hanging around, but I never get a day off!”
Why did the calendar get in a fight with the clock? It thought it was just a waste of time!
What do you call a calendar that can sing? A Justin Timberdate!
Why do calendars make terrible comedians? Because they have too many dates to remember!
What did the calendar say to its friend who was feeling down? “Don’t worry, things will turn around soon!”
Why did the calendar wear sunglasses? Because it had too many bright days.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems with its dates on the calendar!
What did one calendar say to another calendar? “I feel like I’m falling apart, I need a new day!”
Why do calendars always get invited to parties? Because they’re always up to date!
Why was the calendar always losing track of time? Because it had too many pages!
What did one calendar say to the other calendar? “I’m feeling very un-DAYS-irable today!”
Why did the calendar run out of room? Because its days were numbered!
Why did the calendar refuse to play cards? It didn’t want to lose any dates!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “I’m really falling for you!”
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m not a square, I’m just organized!”
What did the calendar say to the pencil? “You can count on me!”
Why did the calendar start a band? Because it had the perfect timing!
What do you call a calendar that’s afraid of heights? A frayed-a-month!
Why did the calendar go to school? To learn how to make every day count!
Why did the calendar refuse to jump off a cliff? Because it didn’t have the dates!
Why did the calendar start lifting weights? Because it wanted to get bigger dates!
What’s a calendar’s favorite type of music? “Rock Around the Clock”!
Why did the calendar take a vacation? To relax and unwind from all the dates!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? I’m marking the days until we meet again!
Why did the calendar get in trouble in class? Because it forgot its dates and got caught up in a daydream!
What did the calendar say to January 1st? “I’m looking forward to hanging out with you all year!”
What did one calendar say to the other calendar? “I’m going on a date with destiny!”
Why do calendars get invited to parties? Because they know how to make dates!
What did the calendar say to the stamp? “Stick with me, and we’ll go places!”
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? “Don’t worry, I’ll always keep you in order!”
What did one calendar say to the other calendar? “I feel like my days are numbered.”
Why was the calendar always happy? Because it knew how to take a break and enjoy a good weekend!
Why was the calendar good at math? Because it always knew the dates and days!
Why was the calendar so good at bowling? Because it had a lot of dates to roll!
What did the calendar say to the pencil that kept drawing outside the lines? “You’re out of line!”
What do you get if you cross a calendar with a roller skate? A date that rolls!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m just a bunch of dates, but you’re all hands!”
What do you call a calendar that’s afraid to go to the dentist? A floss-afraid!
Why was the calendar so good at basketball? It had all the dates!
What do you call a calendar that can’t swim? A calendarium!
Why did the calendar always get in trouble at school? Because it had too many days off!
Why did the calendar have low self-esteem? Because its days were numbered!
What did the calendar say to the alarm clock? “I’ve got my days all planned out, but you’re always ticking me off!”
What did the calendar say to the clock? I’m all booked up for the year!
What’s a calendar’s favorite music? A-Date Music!
What’s the calendar’s favorite type of music? Rock and roll!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on vacation? It didn’t want to miss any important dates!
What did the calendar say to its friend who was always running late? “You need to get your days in order!”
Why did the calendar refuse to go on a date? It didn’t like being picked up!
What did one calendar say to another calendar at a party? “Let’s make a date to hang out!”
What do you call a calendar that can’t stop laughing? A “hilaridate”!
Why did the calendar become a wrestler? Because it always knew how to pin down the dates!
What do you get if you cross a calendar with a roller coaster? A very busy schedule.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m so excited to see you tick!”
What do you call a calendar that can fly? A date in the sky!
Why did the calendar always get into trouble? Because it had too many dates to keep track of!
What do you get when you cross a calendar with a clock? A timely schedule!
Why did the calendar go to the party alone? It wanted to “date” everyone!

Calendar Jokes for Adults

Who says adults can’t enjoy a good calendar joke?

Calendar jokes for adults are a unique blend of wit and wisdom, spiced up with a sprinkle of naughtiness.

Just like a well-organized calendar, these jokes are cleverly arranged with humor, smartness and a pinch of irreverence to make your day tick.

These jokes are perfect for office parties, New Year’s Eve celebrations, or simply to punctuate a business meeting with a touch of laughter.

Here are some calendar jokes that are timely and perfect for adults:

What do you call a calendar that’s falling apart? A dated disaster!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on vacation? It couldn’t handle the idea of taking time off.
Why did the calendar go to therapy? It had too many issues and couldn’t handle the stress!
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It felt like they were always running out of time together.
Why did the calendar join a gym? It wanted to work on its abs-olutely fabulous figure!
Why was the calendar always getting into trouble? It had too many dates with the wrong days!
Why did the calendar break up with the calculator? It couldn’t count on it for a long-term relationship!
Why did the calendar break up with its significant other? They just didn’t have any chemistry together!
Why did the calendar bring a ladder to the party? Because it heard the drinks would be on the top shelf!
Why did the calendar hire a lawyer? It wanted to sue the clock for stealing its time!
What did the calendar say to January 1st? “I always look forward to working with you.” .
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the party? It heard all the dates were taken!
Why did the calendar start a YouTube channel? It wanted to share its daily dates with the world!
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? “Don’t worry, I’ve got you all covered!”
Why did the calendar enroll in a cooking class? It wanted to spice up its days.
Why did the calendar become a stand-up comedian? It always had a good time and a punchline.
What did the calendar say to the wedding invitation? “Sorry, I’m already booked!”
Why did the calendar go to the therapist? It felt like time was always running out!
Why did the calendar never trust the clock? It always thought it was trying to steal its minutes!
Why did the calendar join a support group? It needed help coping with all the time and dates!
What did the calendar say to the clock? You can’t compete with me, I have dates!
What did the calendar say when it was late for a meeting? “Sorry, I lost track of time!”
Why was the calendar always so happy? It knew how to turn the page and start fresh!
Why did the calendar have a bad day? It was overwhelmed with all the appointments.
Why did the calendar decide to become a comedian? It wanted to bring laughter into every day!
What did one calendar say to the other? “Are you busy or just days off?”
Why did the calendar always feel stressed out? It had too many deadlines!
Why did the calendar become a musician? It could always count on its rhythm.
Why did the calendar get a promotion? It always stays current!
Why did the calendar file a police report? It suspected foul play on its pages.
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the gym? It didn’t want to work out the dates!
Why did the calendar bring a ladder to the party? It wanted to reach all the dates!
Why did the calendar join a band? It had a lot of rhythm and knew how to keep a good beat!
Why don’t calendars like going on dates? They prefer to be the center of attention!
Why did the calendar feel lonely? It didn’t have a date for Valentine’s Day!
Why did the calendar start a band? It wanted to keep track of its dates and beats!
Why did the calendar win the marathon? It had all the dates marked and paced itself perfectly.
Why don’t scientists trust calendars? They always take things with a grain of salt!
Why was the calendar always running late? It had a date with procrastination!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “Looks like you’re ticking me off!”
What’s a calendar’s favorite dance move? The “months” to the left and the “days” to the right!
Why did the calendar always get into arguments with the calculator? They just couldn’t count on each other!
Why was the calendar’s first date a disaster? It couldn’t find a good opening line.
What did the calendar say to the math teacher? “You’ve got your angles all wrong, I’m all about dates.”
Why did the calendar go skydiving? It wanted to feel a new kind of date!
Why did the calendar refuse to go on vacation? It didn’t want to take a break from its dates!
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the party? It didn’t want to turn up fashionably late!
Why don’t calendars go on vacation? They take too many days off!
Why did the calendar become a comedian? It wanted to make people laugh at the dates.
What did the calendar say to the smartphone? “You may have all the fancy features, but I’ve got all the dates covered.”
Why did the calendar get in trouble? It always had a lot of dates with the wrong people.
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It wasn’t their time anymore!
Why did the calendar always feel lonely? Because it had too many dates but no significant other!
Why did the calendar refuse to go skydiving? It didn’t have the guts for a leap year!
What did the calendar say to the clock? I’m glad I have dates, but you have too many hands!
Why was the calendar such a great comedian? It always knew how to get the timing right!
Why did the calendar become an astronaut? It wanted to explore other dates.
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’m a big fan of your face, it has so many hands!”
Why did the calendar join the gym? It wanted to start working out its dates!
What did one calendar say to another calendar that was running late? “Looks like you need to catch up on time management!”
Why did the calendar quit its job? It couldn’t handle the daily grind anymore.
What did the calendar say to its best friend? “I can always count on you!”
Why did the calendar start a fight with the clock? It wanted to make a date with destiny.
Why did the calendar start doing yoga? It wanted to have more flexible dates!
Why did the calendar skip a day at the beach? It didn’t have enough sun-dates!
What did the calendar say to the pencil? I’m running out of days to pencil you in!
Why did the calendar start a band? It wanted to make sure every day had a good beat!
Why did the calendar break up with the clock? They just didn’t have enough time for each other!
Why did the calendar win the marathon? It always knows how to pace itself!
Why did the calendar join a gym? It wanted to make every day count.
Why did the calendar always feel stressed? It couldn’t find enough time for itself!
What did the calendar say to its date? “Sorry, I’m just not feeling very dated right now.”
Why did the calendar always get invited to parties? Because it had the dates everyone wanted!
Why did the calendar always have trust issues? It never knew if it could trust the second hand!
Why did the calendar get promoted? It always kept its dates organized!
Why did the calendar become a stand-up comedian? It had too many days to fill with jokes!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “I’ve got all the dates, but you’re just ticking away.”
What do you call a calendar that is afraid of heights? A chicken tikka masala!
Why did the calendar apply for a job at the bakery? It wanted to work with dates all day!
Why did the calendar file a police report? It felt like it was being watched all the time!
Why was the calendar always so happy? It had a date every day!
Why did the calendar get a job at the bakery? It wanted to roll in the dough on the dates.
Why did the calendar refuse to go to the party? It didn’t want to start another year with bad company.
Why did the calendar break up with its partner? It couldn’t commit to a date!
Why was the calendar always in a hurry? It couldn’t stop ticking away!
Why did the calendar start a band? It could always keep rhythm and never miss a beat!
What did the calendar say to the days of the week? “Don’t ever cross me!”
Why was the calendar so lonely? It had too many one-night stands!
Why did the calendar get in trouble at work? It forgot to punch in and out!
Why did the calendar start taking singing lessons? It wanted to learn how to hit all the high notes every month!
Why did the calendar get promoted? Because it always stays on top of things!
Why did the calendar get a promotion? It always stayed organized and never missed a day!
Why did the calendar get in trouble with the law? It was caught trespassing in restricted dates!
Why did the calendar take up yoga? It wanted to stay flexible!
Why did the calendar always bring a pen to parties? It wanted to make a date!
Why did the calendar hire a bodyguard? It was afraid of being attacked by the past.
Why did the calendar become a detective? It always knew when something was missing or out of place!
Why did the calendar win the lottery? It had all the right dates and numbers!
Why did the calendar get fired from its job? It couldn’t keep up with the deadline.
Why do calendars always win in arguments? They have lots of dates to back them up!
Why was the calendar always unhappy? It didn’t have any dates!
Why did the calendar take up boxing? It wanted to learn how to punch time in the face!
What did the calendar say to the clock? “You remind me of my ex, always running late!”
Why did the calendar get into a fight with the calculator? It couldn’t agree on the dates!
Why did the calendar become a stand-up comedian? It had too many dates to remember, so it started making jokes instead!
Why did the calendar start working out? It wanted to get ripped and show off its days!
Why did the calendar take up photography? It wanted to capture the moments!
Why did the calendar always feel so lonely? It was constantly waiting for a date!
Why did the calendar go to court? It was accused of tampering with time and altering the dates!
Why did the calendar refuse to go skydiving? It was afraid of falling dates!
Why was the calendar so excited about its job? It got to work with a lot of dates!

Calendar Joke Generator

Creating a hilarious calendar joke might sometimes feel like trying to find a specific date in a 10-year planner.

(Can you count on that one?)

That’s where our FREE Calendar Joke Generator springs into action to lighten the mood.

Programmed to interlace witty time-related puns, seasonal humor, and playful quotes, it assembles jokes that are sure to schedule laughter into your day.

Don’t let your humor become as outdated as last year’s calendar.

Leverage our joke generator to create jokes that are as current and timeless as the days of the year.

FAQs About Calendar Jokes

Why are calendar jokes popular?

Calendar jokes are popular because they involve a common, everyday item that everyone uses, making them relatable and easy to understand.

They also allow for a lot of creativity, as each day, month, and year presents a new opportunity for a joke.

Can calendar jokes help in social situations?

Absolutely!

Calendar jokes can be a great conversation starter, especially at the beginning of a new month or year.

They can help lighten the mood and add a touch of humor to everyday conversations.

How can I come up with my own calendar jokes?

Start by familiarizing yourself with the different elements of a calendar – days, weeks, months, years, and special dates or holidays.
Think about common phrases or sayings related to time and see if you can put a humorous twist on them.
Consider the specific traits of each month (e.g., April showers, the heat of July, December’s holiday season) for seasonal humor.
Play around with puns and wordplay related to the names of the months or days of the week.
Remember, timing is key in humor, just as it is in a calendar!